its a metaphor

there are many cages

i dont like the cage of my mind, the cage of my work contract, which keeps me binded, in a place i dont wanna be..

the cage of my studies – keeps me doing what i dont wanna do. but i dont know what else i could or would like to possibly do!

maybe i feel a bit out of control.. locked up in eternal boredom and disassociation.. alone. i dont like it in my work/life cages.

but, i like it in my padded cage, coz at least here, i have some ...voices. sort of.

my real life leaves much to be desired.

in my tortured mind, all of this makes sense.

believe this.

Caught in the lattice work

i no longer wanna die.

so, let us set out on the quest for immortality together. i wonder what the best recipe for eternal life would be...

- a loving kiss from a vampyre, lustful and deep?
- a shimmering fountain, gushing with the liquid of life everlasting?
- a smurf toastie on wholewheat?
- making your 15mins last always?

who knows? but, as we all oughta know, the experience is in the journey, not the destination.

what would you do to be immortalised?

i am not helpless

pray with me...

This is my rifle.
There are many like it, but this one is mine.
My rifle is my best friend. It is my life. I must master it as I must master my life.
Without me, my rifle is useless. Without my rifle, I am useless.
I must fire my rifle true.
I must shoot straighter than my enemy, who is trying to kill me. I must shoot him before he shoots me. I will. Before God I swear this creed. My rifle and myself are defenders of my country.
We are the masters of our enemy.
We are the saviors of my life.
So be it until there is no enemy, but peace.

Amen

in love and war

every religion, well most, has this mantra they perpetuate: do onto others... love others... what you do comes back times 3... etc.

*you get what im saying*

so, what’s up with war?

*time for an islam woodstock? is bollyhood invited? they oughta be*

i dont understand the need for killing people and i never will. i dont agree with drafting people to go murder other people. how was this legal, not to mention compulsory?

[i met a girl the other day. very sweet. came from some african country. a country where EVERYBODY has to undergo MANDATORY military training.
*girls and boys, this is an AK 47... repeat after me... “this is my rifle...”*]

*shiver*

the general idea of war: “i have more guns and more ammo and more soldiers!! so, you have to do what i say!! give me your lands and women to pillage and rape!! give me your children to enslave!!! give me your minds and souls!! take on my religion and beliefs!! you will do every damn thing i say!!!

or die.”

wtf??

maybe im ignorant. and stupid. and naive.

*maybe some people have too much time on their hands*

in my humble opinion, i think people need to read more. and care more. no street kids / poverty = no people who rob, murder, rape and loot.

no war = no unnecessary orphans, hunger, pain, loss.

*there’s a lot of money in having a war. if you’re a corporation sponsored politician.*

and in conclusion,

wtf??

so, is there a need for some countries to police other countries?

personality matrix

who can blame my tortured mind for surrendering at this stage?

i dont.

you shouldnt either.

riddle me this -- who determined what constitutes normalcy? for a fact i have surmised that the psychologists and psychiatrists are the most unhinged of us all, friend and neighbours. so, how, in all honesty, can they attempt to fix anyone else?

[rather well known and documented fact that people go into the psychology field to try and figure out their own twisted psyches. ... dear patient, even tho i am waaayyy more screwed up than you, allow me to tell you how to fix your particular problem. what makes me such an expert, you ask? that plaque on the wall. obviously.]

is it normal to have entire dialogues, including many diverse and different personalities, all inside my head, at any given time, about any given topic?

[*sigh* no normal, remember?]

i go about things the wrong way. it cant be helped. just the way i am put together.

*why does my brand of de ja vu always have an ominous air to it?*

omg, this feels familiar... and something bad is about to happen... i just cant remember what... everything is so fuzzy right now... i think, yeah, i may have to sit down... *ughn*

[insert wave of nausea here]

[ed’s note: i hate you i hate you i hate you]

hate is such a strong word.

i wanna be seen. not just in passing either. really be SEEN. clearly. crystal. vividly. lucid... and when you see me-- open your eyes -- no, wider, dammit. *ahem* and when you see me, you will realise that you had never truly lived before meeting me.

can you see me now?

Comic Relief?

something unrelated: always found it amusing when in comic books, the sound meant to escape from a character’s lips is: - - wait for it - - URK!! wtf?? talk about poetic or literary licence. who makes this stuff up? nevertheless; its brilliance.

we’re off to see the wizard

so, next week, around this time, i will be at another training session. [this must be my lucky year!] this time, they are gonna tell all of us attending how to be seniors. should be interesting. as always, im looking forward to the social aspects this will entail. i also hope to go out at least one night. havnt experienced Bloem much as of yet.

usually, the most training any given person in this field will get, happens during said person’s first year. im in my 2nd. so, i feel fortunate to be on training every other week, coz it means less actual work and more play.

huzzah for socialising!

on the downside, the people who will be attending the training with me are, for the most part, anti-social-stay-in-my-room-and-keep-to-myself-coz-ive-got-better-things-to-do kinda people. now, this may put a damper on things, but i dont expect this will keep me from enjoying myself overmuch.

oh, i got promoted yesterday. that’s an extra R100 a month. aw, thanks guys. ya shudnt have... and i was so hoping theyd double my monthly pittance. *sigh* maybe next year, am i right?

this will probably be my last training session for the year, as i am unaware of any others that may have been scheduled. so, friends and neighbours, for the last time, like you mean it:

THREE CHEERS FOR TRAINING!!

*hip hip huzzah!*

pathoLogical Or diseAseD

this is my heroin

there are things in this life that just defy understanding.

sycophantic stalker?

not quite.

some things in this life go beyond description.

some things may be better left unsaid.

*say nothing*

[[living enigma:]]
[[reach beyond the expected]]
[[get what i cant have]]

unattainable.

what am i going on about this time? is it something i said? something i didnt say? something you wanted me to do, but i didnt? something i shouldve known about? but didnt. cant. couldv wouldv shouldv. but didnt?

a constant state of uncertainty and confusion. isnt this dangerously close to abuse? the lesser of two evils cannot duly be separated. but i suspect emotional scars diminish less easily, than their physical counterpart.

seasonal peak.

*profuse overthinking*