I may be unravelling..

i keep seeing death and destruction in my minds' eye..

my murderous imagination dreams up violent ways for the people i severely dislike to meet their demise.

i'd write some of them down... but, they are disturbing, even to me..

i may be unravelling.

on caring too much

im fed up

im tired of feeling useless and despondent.

im gonna make these asshats eat their headgear and choke on the taste.

i can be the best at this bs job.

enough with the whining. enough with the bitching, moaning and wailing. im getting rid of the daddy’s lil princess attitude. no more complaining.

no hunger. no financial difficulty. no “oh, my life sux so much ass”

il show all of them.

im not stupid. im certainly not lazy.

i will be the best. and they will want me to stay after my contract expires..

but, i have no loyalty in my heart for these pricks with calculators.

im getting the fuck OUT -- asap.

but first, im kicking the living piss out of everyone else. intellectually, of course.

no more ridicule.

in time, theyll be coming to me for advice.

could it be that i dont have what it takes?

days merge with weeks, which in turn, mesh with months. on the upside, soon i will be done with all this. on the other hand, life is passing me by. yesterday; i was still in highschool - trudging the halls, enduring the taunts and tiresome repetition of tedium. today; i suffer through my twenties, working every second im awake, and studying when half awake. [who needs sleep anyway.] tomorrow; il be dead.

frigid air assaults my skin when i step into winter, outside. its is cold. my heart has frozen. i lack warmth. there is no love in my heart for this life i lead. there is no passion for the tasks i perform. there is nothing but frustration, pain. and the bitter cold.

i imagine the scarf around my neck to be the loving caress of a hangman's noose. soon, the world around me will flicker and fade. soon, the ground will drop away from beneath my feet. soon there will be nothing but absolute silence. golden, in its tranquillity - i will suspend the suffering into eternity.

time remains elusive. space, a delusion. my downward spiral continues into infinity. round and round it goes - where it stops, nobody knows.

and i am yet to experience happiness.

how do i feel today

i want to kill people.

i want to run away and join the circus.

i want to not have to deal with paper files, papercuts and b*tching clients.

i wanna die.

i wanna get out of here.

i wanna not stress anymore.

i wanna be done.

i wanna retire.

i hate my job.

on my morbid attraction to suffering

this really got me thinking --> a message from god

a life wasted

a couple things i learned the hard way while working for pricks with calculators

1. get EVERYTHING in writing.
coz when the shit hits the fan, everyone – your managers, so-called friends and HR, all get selective amnesia and can’t remember any conversations ever taking place.

2. you have NO FRIENDS in the corporate world. coz everyone there is just gonna cover their own ass.

3. your company WILL screw you up the ass and expect you to smile. and keep smiling. they can even state that “being miserable” is grounds for not getting promoted.

4. you are nothing but a number to your company, despite all the bullshit they feed you. you’re a resource, like a pack of post-its, and they will you keep you there at the lowest possible salary if they can get away with it. and they will. coz they’re sneaky bastards.

5. even when something is not your fault, but happens to your detriment, if you DID NOT cover your ass with a document trail, you are FUCT, despite being a shining example of dedication; see point 6 below.

6. They will only remember where you screwed up. never the free overtime hours. when you did extra work. all the happy clients. when you were below budget. when you made extra money for the boss. if you brought in new clients. they will only remember that one time in ’89 you blew the budget by a day. more selective amnesia.

7. there is no work-life balance. its a myth. ditto with “flexible work hours for mothers”. it’s something they put on the HR policy to look pretty. good luck with finding that in practice.

8. the bottom line IS the BOTTOM LINE. the bosses are there to make cash munny.

9. when you are crying in the bathroom by yourself, trying to hide the puffiness, etc, NO ONE will come cheer you up. if anyone talks to you after, its to get the gossip. and spread it. like the fear of gawd has been put in them to do so.

10. this is only the beginning. setting you up for failure, screwing you in the ass, and blaming you for it... can’t wait for next year.

Happy Blogday!

It's been one year.

woohoo

when everything is going wrong

have you ever felt that life is leaving you behind?

because i still have my immaculate teeth of wisdom, i will share some pearls with you –

first deserve. then desire.

on finding magic and light in my life...

i want to tell you of my hopes and dreams... listen close, but give me time..

death’s shroud covers my entirety. i want to expire into nothingness and just get it over with.

darkness seeps into my soul, my bones ache, my head throbs.. happy memories haunt me – they taunt me.

there is no escape.

I'm the lord and master

squirrelly wrath --> foamy

personality disorder

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results Warmth 38% Intellect 82% Emotional Stability 74% Aggressiveness 50% Liveliness 34% Dutifulness 86% Social Assertiveness 34% Sensitivity 50% Paranoia 70% Abstractness 74% Introversion 58% Anxiety 66% Openmindedness 74% Independence 62% Perfectionism 78% Tension 34%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
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