the padded cage

Escape from the cage

2008-06-27T09:35:00.004+02:00

A couple days ago, the key to the cage was handed over, and today the doors are opened.

I finally got my articles signed off, and today is my last day in this office. Next week ushers in a new life, teeming with new experiences, new people, new beginnings.

I am married now. Im gonna be someone's mom by the end of this year. And, I don't really need to study anymore unless I REALLY want to. (Which remains to be seen).

The padded cage is no more.

With acceptance and love, comes happiness and motivation; Contentment.

Everything is going to be alright.

[p.s. i'm gonna keep blogging here --> my pregnancy blog ]

Infallibility vs Iniquity

2008-06-23T10:50:00.000+02:00

read me here

my vision is distorted by my sleazy mind

2008-06-03T13:46:00.002+02:00

skunk anansie - awesome band.

a pang of regret and heartbreak assaults me when i listen to songs with bitter-sweet memories attached to them. entwined, really. it's magical how music becomes a part of your past, and comes to represent a certain time, a certain hardship, or joy, or exultation. success, failure, bliss, heartache.

I suppose to some extent, the woulda/coulda/ shoulda's are idolised and deified in the mind. the bads are forgotten, and the goods are put on a pedestal, mourned, grieved for, deeply missed. and, regret sets in.

is this reasonable?

okay, so i'm not making a whole lot of sense.

i will heal. eventually.

Update

2008-05-26T18:42:00.003+02:00

just so i'm clear:

i still hate my job.

i canit wait to be out of this miserable little town.

i can't wait to be done.

i've been done.

T minus 5 weeks to freedom.

For the latest news update...

2008-05-23T13:59:00.001+02:00

see this site

justification for petrification

2008-05-07T20:33:00.002+02:00

cold creeps into my body. winter appraoches. every day more brittle than the prior. every day, a longer struggle to rise from bed, more clothes to get on in the morning.

the rise in petrol price has eaten a gaping hole in my pocket where my wallet used to be. it takes more and more cash munny to fill up my tank.

oil is a finite resource. what happens when it runs out? we'll all be screwed, that's what. i've heard that with the oil that is left now, it won't run out in my lifetime. but, i don't see an end to the current trend of rising prices.

i can't afford this. who can?

Pristine blossoms of the over-mind

2008-04-15T13:48:00.002+02:00

Never mind all of that.

Because I am that kind of person, I have a list to tell me what I need to do. next to each item on said list, is a due date/time. without my list, I am lost.

I am a chronic procrastinator. It’s what I do. see? I should be working right now, but I’m not. Instead, I sit here and just wish the time away. What of my work, you ask? Well, that is to be done hurriedly and slovenly when pressure ensues.

I am still burdened and saddened by thoughts of my ex. The break-up / The love/hate pseudo-friendship that existed for months afterward / The hurtful remarks / The getting to grips with the situation / The new girlfriend / Hearing of the new relationship that so instantly replaced 5 years / The dawning of realisation that that which was will not be again.

Sometimes it’s hard to come to terms with the fact that something you put all your energy into: love, time, money, effort, affection; was all for naught.

He isn’t that into me.

What a harsh reality.

They say things only bother you if you let them. And, only the hurt person can end the hurting cycle. I’m supposed to … just stop feeling hurt, or something. Forgive and forget. Make peace. Time numbs. [insert other over-done axiom of encouragement here]

How do you know when a relationship is well and truly over?

I suppose I have to compile another list.

Ways to get over heartbreak:

1. …

And therein lies the problem.

^_^

2008-04-10T08:03:00.001+02:00

Happy birthday to me..

Quarter century today.

Don't know if I've learned much so far.

Does anyone else have some golden nuggets of wisdom for me?

Much love.

<3>

creepy porcelain doll shuffle

2008-04-07T20:31:00.002+02:00

So, then i said to her, "Nuh huh!" To which she replied, "Yuh, huh."

Let me tell you a secret. Shh, don't tell anyone. ... Where to start, I wonder? It was around midday, no no no! The day before.

She absolutely love love loved art. And he knew that, right? Okay, so she was on her way to lunch, lurching along. Just like any other grey, brittle snowy day. -- a wispy girl. dishevelled, dark, mysterious, utterly ignored.

So, he had a plan, right. He had watched her.

tranquil like a hurricane

2008-03-29T19:10:00.002+02:00

a positive step in the right direction.

i finally submitted my application for graphic design today. i cant wait to get started! i wonder how long i'll have to wait for my material. i hope it won't be too long. i'm very excited.

work continues to suck. been working all weekend, and making very little progress. drains my will to live.

anyway, just thought id share.

Empty echoes of a Hollow life

2008-03-16T18:15:00.002+02:00

My resistance futile, concentric circles of failure, bitter resentment, and utter futility shape the pattern of my so-called life, more accurately, my existence.

How easily a blade would slip through the veins on my wrist, freeing the warm crimson within. Tendons snapping, blood gently making it’s escape from this wasted body.

I’m a nutcase. This was not part of the plan.

So many unfulfilled should-have-beens stare at me accusingly. All the incomplete supposed-to-haves, murder in their formless eyes. Discontent and disappointment fill all the spaces I deign to inhabit.

If Luck be a Lady tonight, perhaps She will be merciful and let me starve to death tonight. A river of tears to flow, bend, swirl around me, perhaps I’ll drown – if it weren’t for this dehydration: another speed bump on the road to successful self-extermination.

I am of no use.

Useless.

Use-less.

a blizzard of contempt and chaos

2008-02-27T19:13:00.003+02:00

i'm too tired to bitch.

i have nothing to say otherwise.

i am on study leave.

i believe i am going to fail the board exam again this year. whatever.

i have the cutest nose ring tho. it's a blue stud.

i'm not sure if i'm single or not. or, who wants me, who will gets me, whats the point?

yeah, that's me, in a nutshell.

and in tonight's news -- MyCoke Fest, T minus a couple weeks to go.

koRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrn.

wanna skype with me? skype name --> morbidneko.

Sakura falling gently

2008-02-01T10:00:00.000+02:00

There is a saying – When you love someone, let them go.

I wonder how accurate that is.

How do you … discern when it is love / selfishness / lust?

If you love someone, you let them go, and if they don’t ever come back…?

Do you then just… deal with the loss?

Because, even if it wasn’t love for the someone else, maybe it was love for you. And if you love them, let them go, and they don’t come back – is there solace to be found in the knowledge that that someone is off somewhere possibly being happy?

Possibly.

The possibilities are always infinite.

cul-de-sac

2008-01-21T10:49:00.000+02:00

this is the end.

it's been interesting.

*bow out*

i'm done.

i have nothing left to say. nothing left to do. nothing left to offer.

*if you ever did in the first place*

shut up.

assume the position.

snuff the candle of the worthless.

*light a candle for the sinners, set the world on fire*,
as mr manson said. back before he hit his mid-life crisis, or whatever the f*** compelled him to leave Dita for a toddler.

i don't want to be around anymore.

as radiohead said, "i'm a creep. i'm a weirdo. what the hell am i doing here? i don't belong here."

i don't belong here.

looking down from above

2008-01-21T10:36:00.000+02:00

I have nothing to offer.

I am doomed to a life of solitude.

I am doomed.

I am cursed.

I am alone.

Always alone.

On another note, I made an international telephone call and it actually worked! Cost an arm and a leg, and he couldn't hear me. but, worth it anyway.

there is never someone to talk to, when one is most lonely, and most in need.

as koRn once said:

"sometimes i cannot take this place,
sometimes it's my life i can't face"

"something takes a part of me;
you and i were meant to be;
a cheap f*** for me to lay;
something takes a part of me."

or, something more or less to that effect.

nothing to offer.

there is no script.

there is no life.

there is no energy, no conscience.

no cognisance.

lack of everything. lack of nothing. lacking.

never enough

is it just me, or is it kinda bright in here?

2008-01-16T11:37:00.000+02:00

the weather has been kinda weird lately, hot and rainy.

in today's Golden Age of Technology, is it ignorance or laziness if a document contains spelling errors?

it really isn't about getting what you want, but wanting what you've got.

i think the days are getting shorter..

my job still sucks, the people are still on my case, and i still want to get out.

the difference is, i no longer want to die. i want to do a good job, so people will get off my case, so i can get / be prepared when opportunity finds me, so i can move on to bigger and better things. i want to LIVE. to do that, i need to work myself into a position, emotionally, financially, and realistically, that would enable me to do what i want.

and in the back of my head, the ancient tune churns on mechanically: "you only have one life, may as well make the best of it."

so, is it time for adventure? time to get serious? time to wait and see? time to sit up and take notice? time to ... hallucinate, procrastinate, waste more time, wait for an external force to alter the tedious path of mere existence i find myself on? time to take action?

we all get dispatched with talents, hopes and dreams. some more so than others. but, we all do. are we meant to ignore them? deny them? live in the constant agony of not allowing oneself to utilise these talents?

Luck is where preparation meets opportunity.

2008-01-16T02:54:00.000+02:00

Prunella made me do it

8 random things about me in haiku form.

Here goes,

I am a sad lonely girl,
Noir thoughts of misery
darken the long hours.

I really like blue.
I do not like girly things.
I’d rather murder.

My toes are pretty.
Sometimes I paint them goth black.
I’m not a goth tho.

My parents hate me.
I’m a huge disappointment.
It was not my fault.

My attitude stinks.
Life is about perception.
I’m a hypocrite.

I bitch all the time.
I’m annoying to myself.
I bully myself.

I’ve gained 7 pounds.
But I think I look alright.
I’m not bothered tho.

I think of sui-
cide all the time, I should be
dead, but I’m not yet.

I need help with this conundrum

2008-01-08T01:03:00.000+02:00

Friends, neighbours, countrymen - lend me your minds!

I am faced with a decision, and I don't know what to do. SO, here I will list the pro's and cons of each situation and welcome comments and advice.

The situation

I have obtained 2 job offers. They are for the same amount of money. The deductions will be more or less the same. The one job is as auditor, continue what I've been doing, etc. The other is as bookkeeper in a different town, away from the parents.

So, here are the pro's and cons.

Job 1 - Audit.

Pros

I stay in my parents' house for free.

I eat for free.

Satelite tv.

My laundry is done for free.

Lots of space, a pool, people to drive me around, or take me to hospital if i can't do it myself, etc.

Disposable income is sizeable.

I can save for overseas trips.

I know the area.

Travel claims.

Internet access.

My parents will be happy.

I get a lot of study time for the Board exam, ie a month and a bit.

Cons

I f***ing hate audit and would rather slit my wrists than do it for one more day.

I'd be driving to see my bf at least twice a month. It's a 9 hour trip, there and back.

Job 2 - Bookkeeper

Pros

I'd be in the same town as my boyfriend.

My social life will pick up

I'd have my own place.

Cons

I'd have virtually no disposable income.

I'm technically over-qualified for the job, it would be a step down and limit my career options.

I'd have my own place.

I don't know the place or the people, it may be worse than here.

I don't know how hectic the work there will be, how much study leave I'll get, or if the required overtime will bug me.

My parents will be pissed, coz apparently I can't take care of myself, will get pregnant within the first week and make one after the other bad decision.

Conclusion

So, those are my options. What do YOU think would be the best move?

exquisite epilogue

2007-12-28T10:23:00.000+02:00

let's do a round up:

- xmas rocked
- my parents got me an easel. ^_^
- new guy rocks
- went to the beach, swam in the jbay waters
- drove more than 3,000 km's
- hung with long-time pals, we've got history
- dyed my hair red and black ^_^
- got most loved pc game, rocking it
- gave and received some great gifts
- saw my fam for xmas, hung w my bro
- laughed a lot
- hugged a lot
- new singstar disk, teh rulez
- movie dates, tons of ice cream, good food
- life is good.

i am a simple creature. simple needs. simple wants. relatively easy to please.

^_0

scuze the absence - so many blessings to count, hardly have time for anything else.

the light at the end of the torch

2007-12-03T01:30:00.000+02:00

Here is the secret, friends and neighbours:

Get busy.

One can never forget, and the pain does not diminish.. but, the mind is an agile thing..

there was a knock at the door - it is my future, and it beckons..

when darkness falls

2007-11-22T00:34:00.000+02:00

What am I worth to you?

How is a person’s worth determined anyway? Is there some sort of calculation or algorithm that gives the indisputable proof and distinction between who is “better” than someone else?

Are all people truly created equal? Or, are there nuances and evolutionary discrepancies that creep into the genes, making some more worthy or important than others.

What constitutes “worth”?

Someone I admire once told me that – Love doesn’t run out. Never. It doesn’t happen. What runs out is one person’s willingness to sacrifice for the other.

How will I ever be worthy?

worthy of what??

What do you do when love is not reciprocated, and your heart aches and breaks? How do you stop the cycle of shock – pain – shock – pain – anguish – shock – pain – ad infinitum?

There is nowhere to run; nowhere to find comfort or solace. There are only the dark hours and tears.

How do you JUST F***ING STOP calling and hurting and crying?? How do you stop thinking of that which just haunts and hurts and humiliates you? When does the longing, lingering, lamenting end?

Why am I not worth the effort?

…

Unworthy of love..

I’m so exhausted from hurting ALL the time.

I believe it was Dr. Shirley (Dolly Parton) from Working 9 to 5, or something to that effect who said – if you are in a unloving relationship where the guy doesn’t value you for who and what you are, then changing yourself to suit him, hoping he’ll wake up one day, is only gonna lead to more pain.

He may wake up and notice you, or he may never. The best thing to do is get up and get out – meet people and live for oneself. He may wake up, or he may not. At least you then didn’t waste your life waiting for someone who may never love you back.

Or, … so I’ve heard.

A smidgeon of Hope

2007-11-19T11:15:00.000+02:00

Seldom is it that one experiences a new lease on life.

Hope is the most complex and tenacious of emotions a human being can experience. It can inspire you to move mountains for what you believe in. As you stare the facts in the face, you can deny them, as you cling fiercely to that fraction of hope you maintain.

It can thus be a destructive emotion.

As one breaks and breaks again one’s heart against the jagged rocks on the ocean of discontent, hope is the emotion that perpetuates the disbelief, anger, sadness, the cycle.

Is life better when all hope is lost?

No.

There is therefore both a healing, nurturing sort of hope. And, in contradiction to that, there is an assimilating, smothering hope, which destroys life.

The task at hand therefore is to identify what emotions one is dealing with at any given time. And then, to take the appropriate action.

My head and my heart are at war.

How do I let go of the pain?

Ba-bai hasie hasie (Afr. Post)

2007-11-14T03:36:00.000+02:00

Inleiding

my lewe - 'n nimmereindigende kruispad.

Wie is ek

'n bedorwe ou brokkie staar na die rekenaarskerm voor haar. Gebore in die Kaap van storms, en daai tafelvormige berg, geskep uit liefde, groot bruin ogies vol verwagting en verwonder. nomadies van die een hoek van die land na die ander - nou oppad na my middel-twintiger jare. My gesig die ene skok - waarheen is my jongdae? Hard geswot, hard gewerk, alleen en verwoes. My lewe is 'n oopboek toets - die antwoorde is daar, maar hoe gaan ek toepassing en insig vind?

Waarheen is ek oppad

my lewe lê oop voor my, 'n gekronkelde pad - soos die gekreukelde gesig van my afgestorwe ouma, vol liefde, pyne, skete en vreugde. daar is geen padkaart. net oneindigende teer tot in ewigheid. ek is waarskynlik oppad nêrens heen. een van die dae bou ek my tuiste daar.

Wat is my doel in hierie ou lewe

my brein borrel oor met kennis en tegniek, geskiedenis en humor. ek is 'n afgelewe wilger langs 'n stille meer. hier om so veel van die koel sparkelende waters van kennis op te slurp, en dus my droë en dor blare te vervris.

Hoe voel ek oor die hele saak

Grotendeels is apatie my naam. Sarkasme is my verkore vriendin. Saam gaan ons die lewe in, sinies en negatief. Wat is die eerste stap na die saligheid van geluk? Wie weet.

Naskrif

Dis moeiliker as wat dit lyk.

my first day of school

2007-11-12T03:21:00.000+02:00

I don't recall what day it was. Although, in all probability, it was more than likely a Monday.

Remember remember...

2007-11-05T15:03:00.000+02:00

Remember, remember the Fifth of November,
The Gunpowder Treason and Plot,
I know of no reason
Why Gunpowder Treason
Should ever be forgot.
Guy Fawkes, Guy Fawkes, t'was his intent
To blow up King and Parliament.
Three-score barrels of powder below
To prove old England's overthrow;
By God's providence he was catch'd
With a dark lantern and burning match.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, let the bells ring.
Holloa boys, holloa boys, God save the King!

137th and Final Post on this Discontent

2007-10-31T21:44:00.000+02:00

From the Phantom:

I gave you my music,
Made your song take flight
And now, how you’ve repaid me,
Denied me and betrayed me.

There is only so much pain one individual can take.

The padded cage has been locked, and the key destroyed.

To all the whispering voices that visited and brought my cage to life, I thank you with all my heart.

Ladies and gentlemen, It has been a pleasure, and an honour.

This is the end.

at the end of my rope, dangles

2007-10-31T10:39:00.000+02:00

Volumous dark storm clouds obscure view and engulf the sky. Torrents of icy water plummet towards the earth. The world is wet and miserable. People and animals alike scurry from the incessant pelting, hiding.

The weather reflects my outlook, my emotion, the downpour of sorrow in my heart.

I was happy once, briefly.

My life, in 2 words, is both simple, yet complicated. I suppose it depends on my perception, like so many things in life.

It is simple, because there is a set path I must follow. Every tedious day ebbs and flows into the next. Nothing changes. Mind-numbing boredom repeats itself day in and out.

It is complicated, because I have inner turmoil, emotional instability and deeply rooted loneliness. Someone, find me a cure for the unhappiness through which I am suffering!

I conjure in my mind possible escape routes, plans, ideas, schemes. But, the more I scramble and the harder I run, the more I stay in the same place, digging deeper into this hole. This is frustration at it’s best.

On an even more personal note, I am still crying myself to sleep every night. I am weak. I am alone. Feelings of longing for what was and what could have been blur my reality. Where, in the past, I could tell myself everything will be alright, because at least SOMEONE loves me, that is no longer the case.

It may not be correct to validate one’s entire existence and all positive traits based on one person’s changing opinion. But, I did. And, I was betrayed. And, now I suffer for it.

No one loves me. No one thinks I’m cute anymore. No one thinks I’m pretty or silly, or … anything, anymore. I will stay where I am forever, doomed to fade and disappear into nothingness, untouched, obscure and ignored.

The sky is miserable with tears. So am I.

Last one

2007-10-30T15:14:00.000+02:00

Artist: My Chemical Romance
Title: I Don't Love You

Well, when you go
Don't ever think i'll make you try to stay
And maybe when you get back
I'll be off to find another way

And after all this time that you still owe
You're still the good-for-nothing i dont know
So take your gloves off and get out
Better get out
While you can

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like i did
Yesterday"

Sometimes i cry so hard from pleading
So sick and tired of all the needless beating
But baby when they knock you
Down and out
It's where you outta stay

And after all the blood that you still owe
Another dollar's just another blow
So fix your eyes and get up

Better get up
While you can
Whoa, whoa

When you go
Would you even turn to say
"I don't love you
Like it did
Yesterday"

Well come on, come on

When you go
Would you have the guts to say
"I don't love
Like i love you
Yesterday"

I don't love you
Like i loved you
Yesterday

I don't love you
Like i loved you
Yesterday

Song 2. No, not the Blurry one

2007-10-30T07:28:00.000+02:00

Arrtist: Evanescence
Album: The Open Door
Title: Snow white queen

Stoplight, lock the door.
Don´t look back.
Undress in the dark,
And hide from you,
All of you.

You´ll never know the way your words have haunted me.
I can´t believe you´d ask these things of me.
You don´t know me.

You belong to me,
My snow white queen.
There´s nowhere to run, so let´s just get it over.
Soon I know you´ll see,
You´re just like me.
Don´t scream anymore my love, ´cause all I want is you.

Wake up in a dream.
Frozen fear.
All your hands on me.
I can´t scream

I can´t escape the twisted way you think of me.
I feel you in my dreams and I don´t sleep.

You belong to me,
My snow white queen.
There´s nowhere to run, so let´s just get it over.
Soon I know you´ll see,
You´re just like me.
Don´t scream anymore my love, ´cause all I want is you

I can´t save your life,
Though nothing I bleed for is more tormenting.
I´m losing my mind and you just stand there and stare as my world divides.

You belong to me,
My snow white queen.
There´s nowhere to run, so let´s just get it over.
Soon I know you´ll see,
You´re just like me.
Don´t scream anymore my love, ´cause all I want is you.

A song

2007-10-29T07:55:00.000+02:00

Title: You Don't Love Me Anymore
Artist: Weird Al Yankovic

We've been together for so very long
But now things are changing, oh I wonder what's wrong?
Seems you don't want me around
The passion is gone and the flames died down

I guess I lost a little bit of self-esteem
That time that you made it with the whole hockey team
You used to think I was nice
Now you tell all your friends that I'm the Antichrist

Oh, why did you disconnect the brakes on my car?
That kind of thing is hard to ignore
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

I knew that we were having problems when
You put those piranhas in my bathtub again
You're still the light of my life
Oh darling, I'm beggin', won't you put down that knife?

You know I, even think it's kinda cute the way
You poison my coffee just a little each day
I still remember the way that you laughed
When you pushed me down the elevator shaft

Oh, if you don't mind me asking, what's this poisonous cobra
Doing in my underwear drawer?
Sometimes I get to thinking you don't love me anymore

You slammed my face down on the barbecue grill
Now my scars are all healing, but my heart never will
You set my house on fire
You pulled out my chest hairs with an old pair of pliers

Oh, you think I'm ugly and you say I'm cheap
You shaved off my eyebrows while I was asleep
You drilled a hole in my head
Then you dumped me in a drainage ditch and left me for dead

Oh, you know this really isn't like you at all
You never acted this way before
Honey, something tells me you don't love me anymore, oh no no
Got a funny feeling you don't love me anymore

The meaning of Torment and Agony

2007-10-19T07:47:00.000+02:00

Is it better to have loved and lost?

2007-10-18T12:14:00.000+02:00

MArrY me, Bury mE

2007-10-15T11:39:00.000+02:00

Of the Human Condition

Let’s say that the walls are all closing in on me. Let’s say that all this anguish is self-imposed. Let’s say that there is nothing after this to justify the pain and suffering. What then?

What about the meaning of life? And in which narrow-minded group does that place you? Or I? Or, anyone for that matter, coz that’s just how we roll?

And what of the creation of unwanted additions to life? The turmoil of secret joy and fear and regret and. The Universal Financial Question: How the hell am I gonna pay for this?

**continuously for the next couple years, obviously. did you think this was gonna be a just another fun ride? no responsibilities, no regrets?**

But, I digress.

Should I smile in the face of murder, play again another day. But, thanks for the quarter, kid. No worries.

**this isn’t gonna work, you know. you can’t do it by yourself, and you know that. do you really need me to tell you this?**

Just another day in suburbia, just another life or death decision.

I can’t find the door, help me, the walls are closer now than they were a moment ago.

Or, is it just me?

**maybe it’s just you after all..**

If this is the end, should I be happy or should I be sad? Relieved or worried?

But, I’m still trying to escape the absolute loneliness. Have I mentioned that I don’t wanna do this alone? Did I?

**we leave this … plane of existence same way we entered it – alone.**

Random Tagg

2007-10-08T13:24:00.000+02:00

Arc tagged me.

Here are 8 random facts about me. I'm not following the rules, coz im not tagging anyone else.

mwoahahahah.

so sue me.

8 facts you really didn't need to know about Neeks:

I have a profile on Facebook. I no longer want one, coz the craze has gotten ridiculous, with fictional characters talking to other fictional characters there, but i can't bring myself to delete it.
Neko means Cat. I'm a cat person. I love cats and would love to have a kitty familiar again. I can't due to the nature of my job, I'm always on the road. I've had 2 kitties in my life, Garfield and Chloe.
I finally bought Singstar for Playstation 2 2 weeks ago. I have dominated since i started playing, about 3 months ago. No one I know has beat me yet. Even though I love it, I have never done and probably will never do any Kareoke.
I have a really weird accent. This is due to moving all over SA, and even visiting in other countries. I pick up accents relatively quickly. I still roll some of my R's because of the time my family when to Disneyland (Orlando, Florida) more than 10 years ago.
I'm pretty sure my second language (English), is MUCH better than my home language (Afrikaans). I've always found English easier and more interesting than afr. All the movies and more enjoyable books to me, have always been in English. In fact, I hava a pile of English books at home, in my bookcase that I've bought, but not gotten around to reading yet.
In my personal opinion, I don't think I'm really good at anything. Hear me out. I mean, I've always been an achiever, but, never as brainy as the top of the brainiest. I'm a B student. I will always be a B student. And I'll always have to work for that B. I mean, I'm usually better at doing things than most people, but, not as good as the best. Where does that leave me? Who knows.
I try to be positive as much as I can. But, I'm very unhappy about my life. The only source of pain and anger, is my job, which I wouldnt mind so much, if ... I don't know. If some of the people were nicer, and deadlines didn't exist. I might as well go live in Dreamland. The only joy in my life, is the boyfriend I have. But, the visits are few and far between, coz he is on the other side of the country. What's a girl to do?
I have really great nails. I probably get them from my mom. They look great without a huge amount of work. They are of good strength and good shape. I've never been in a physical girl fight, but if I were, my opponent would probably leave the fight sans eyes, and with a couple clumps of her hair gone AWOL.

Thanks for the tag, Arc! Maybe one day I'll learn to be interesting and not put everyone to sleep with my repetitve b*tching. ^_^

Contemplating the Mundane

2007-09-30T22:16:00.001+02:00

I’ve just returned from a most awesome trip.

My paradigms have been shifted, my focus changed, my horizons broadened, my life enriched.

For a solid week, I was engulfed with pristine happiness.

Here’s my new perception:

It is time for me, not to be fearless, but just to fear less.
Embrace the life and times given. Make the best of every situation. Take the good with the bad, make that lemonade, and wait for deliverance, but enjoy the present.

Chuck off the “drag queen” status.
Negativity attracts negativity. It’s a cycle. I don’t want to become a Cyclic redundancy error.

Learn more, dare more, be more, take charge.

And on new experiences;

I tried sake for the first time ever, at a Japanese restaurant. It is something everyone should try at least once. A clear liquid, served hot. It’s like tea, but with a bit of a kick. I had 2 tots, I believe. And I think sake, as with raw fish, will grow on me eventually.

I recommend taking a walk in the picturesque lanes of Stellenbosch. It is beautifully fragrant this time of year. Also, the days are longer there. Twilight meanders it’s way through the trees and ancient buildings, fading into darkness sluggishly.

I can’t wait to make it my home.

Existential Quandary

2007-08-30T08:21:00.000+02:00

I can’t help but feel that my life is an ever-spiralling tangible tedium, doomed to repeat itself in its boredom. Nothing ever changes, everything stays the same, and I remain… pointless.

Maybe it’s perception. Maybe it’s this small town existence. Maybe it’s the people I do and don’t meet. Maybe I am my own worst enemy, and need to kick the living sh1t outta me. Maybe if I moved, my life would improve. Maybe it would stay entirely the same.

Few things in life are certain.

I wish I knew where I’m going in this life. I wish I knew what some of the future held.

In the meantime, I can only hope for the best, and prepare for the worst.

My days and nights are all the same. I do not possess the knowledge or talents, or whatever it is, to change this.

Maybe next year I’ll have more money. Maybe less. Will this make me happier? Sadder? Maybe next year I’ll work harder. Or less. Maybe I will enjoy my job and it won’t feel like work. Maybe it will be worse and feel like agony.

So, does anyone have a profitable employment opportunity for me?

Things need to change before I stagnate here.

Just a couple more months to escape this… Cycle of anger without depression.

Hiatus

2007-08-12T09:40:00.000+02:00

In the absence of thought;
Of light
And of contemplation,

She studies.

Do not wish for my return,
For I am tenacious;
In my arduous task,

I will succeed.

A whispered echo dwindles;
Of dreams
Left to the imagination,

She pursues.

A Morbid GUEST POST!!

2007-08-07T16:32:00.000+02:00

And now, by moonlit tryst, an ominous Revelation of the Divine and Damned, for your enlightenment:
a guest post by Morbid Misanthrope:

I love to doubt as well as know

In these troubled times—with rampant war, disease, trans fat, and daytime talk shows—people need something to believe in: something better, brighter, and beyond the grim realities of daily life in the modern world. Everyone except atheists, of course. Those people tend to get all the fulfillment and meaning they need from life by acting like total stuck-up buzzkills and proverbially pissing on everyone else’s afterlife parade.

There’s nothing wrong with a little healthy skepticism—even I don’t believe every Bigfoot sighting I read. But I have incontrovertible proof that heaven, hell, God, and the devil exist (for realsies). I think unicorns exist, too, but I’m still waiting for the lab results to come in on that one. In the meantime, allow me to blow your minds with the amazing story of my trip to the afterlife.

One night, I was flipping through basic cable channels, trying to find something decent to watch. I happened upon an episode of TLC’s Miami Ink. In this particular episode, one of their customers was this little, gimped-out midget with some weird disease. The guy looked like a misshapen basketball with tiny limbs sitting in a motorized wheelchair. I think he was some kind of record producer. It was as if someone had run over Simon Birch with a cement truck, and to make amends, had given him a really half-assed hip-hop makeover. At about the time they started showing pictures of the little fellow as a sickly child and he asked for a tattoo of three birds on his arm, I literally died laughing.

Suddenly, I was standing next to my own corpse, wondering just what the fuck had happened. I’m usually pretty calm when strange things happen, but when I tried to change the channel and my hand went right through the remote, I’ll admit I was a bit concerned. Before I had time to contemplate the situation further, I heard a voice from the corner of my room.

“Be not afraid, Morbid. You have been chosen to relay an important message to all of humanity. This night you will witness existence after life—its rewards and punishments, heaven and hell.”

As the voice prattled on about fruity crap like spirits and clouds, I turned around to see who was talking to me. The person standing there was a pasty guy with a really bad comb-over, wearing a cheap-looking suit. It looked like he stole his outfit off of one of the bodies at a Mariachi funeral.

Me: “I’m sorry, who are you?”
Guy: “Well, I was explaining that to you before … what are you laughing about?”
Me: “Nothing, dude. Really. Continue.”
Guy: “You’re laughing at my suit, aren’t you?”
Me: “No. I’m not. Just finish what you were saying.”
Guy: “Listen, it’s not my fault you have to spend eternity in the clothes you were wearing when you died.”
Me: “You were wearing that when you died?”
Guy: “Oh, like you’re doing so much better. Let’s see, if you were permanently dead right now you’d be forever wearing, what, a dirty pair of jeans and a Darkthrone shirt that smells like malt liquor? Way to go, dick. I’m sure God would appreciate seeing the pentagram on your shirt every day for eternity. Anyway, I died at my nephew’s Southwestern-themed Jr. Prom. I was a chaperone. They served fajitas.”
Me: “You know, some Christians used to use the pentagram to represent the five wounds of Christ. And couldn’t God just change my shirt if it bothered Him so much?”
Guy: “Yeah, like no one’s ever asked that question before, college boy. One of my coworkers in heaven is wearing a toga full of holes from where the lions devoured him. You think he never asked for a pair of pants?”
Me: “Are you trying to make me hit you? Seriously, dude, keep pissing me off and see what happens.”

This conversation went on for a while, but he basically told me I had been chosen, for some reason he didn’t know and couldn’t tell me even if he did, to witness the horrors of hell and the wonders of heaven. Then, he said, I would be returned to my body, charged with the task of telling everyone what I had seen. Something about cosmic importance, souls in the balance, feline AIDS spreading to dogs and human babies, blah, blah, blah.

Guy: “Follow me, for I will be your guide on this journey.”
Me: “What’s your name?”
Guy: “My name? Does it matter?”
Me: “No. Not at all. I’m going to follow someone into the depths of hell without getting his name first.”
Guy: “Ralph.”
Me: “Your name’s Ralph? Seriously? That’s all?”
Ralph: “What do you mean by that?”
Me: “What did you do in life, then?”
Ralph: “I was a telemarketer. Why?”
Me: “I can’t help but feel a little unimpressed.”
Ralph: “Then you’ll get along great with the guardian angel assigned to me when I was alive. I get that enough from him at all the office mixers. Can we just go, please?”
Me: “That’s just great. Dante had Virgil, author of the Roman Empire’s national epic, and I get Ralph, a guy who made people’s phones ring when they were trying to eat dinner.”
Ralph: “You are aware that The Divine Comedy was fiction, right? Asshole. Let’s just get this over with. And do me a favor: try not to reference any other famous books about hell while we’re there. If I have to stand in front of Lucifer while some idiot I’m guiding through hell quotes that “better to reign in hell than serve in heaven” line from Paradise Lost again, I’m seriously going to lose it. It’s so embarrassing. I can’t even look at Lucifer anymore.”

Ralph then waved his hands in a circular motion and chanted some magic words. Suddenly, we were standing in line at what looked like a dumpy Blockbuster video. Our new surroundings were really quite unremarkable except for the length of the line we were standing in. The line seemed to stretch into the distance as far as the eye could see; and as far back as the line went, televisions hung from the ceiling running noisy looped trailers for the latest garbage coming out of Hollywood. In the distance, I could hear one tormented soul screaming, “How many Stomp the Yard sequels are there in this terrible place?”

“There’s only one Stomp the Yard movie, thank God” I thought to myself. Confused, I quickly looked to the front of the endless line, where an old lady with a single movie held up the only open register. She had some kind of coupon that the employee was having a hard time getting the computer to read. Every time the employee scanned the coupon, the computer gave her some kind of error message and she made a phone call. This went on repeatedly as the old woman constantly said things like “I know the coupon is valid because my son printed it for me off of that internet site you have” and “it’s a perfectly good coupon, just try it again, I never waste a coupon.” Then it hit me like a wrecking ball full of explosive sledgehammers.

Me: “We’re in hell, aren’t we?”
Ralph: “Considering how often you bitch about this situation on earth, I’m surprised it took you so long to figure that out.”
Me: “So hell is the Blockbuster down the street from my house?”
Ralph: “Well, mostly just the checkout line. This is only one small part of hell. By the way, Purgatory is around here, too, but you don’t really need to see it, do you?”
Me: “You’re the guide, you tell me.”
Ralph: “Purgatory’s not bad, but it’s not all that good, either. It’s just so-so—kind of like a Will Ferrell movie.”
Me: “Oh. Well, in that case, let’s just skip it.”

Ralph then guided me through several other sections of hell. One of them was a dingy hospital waiting room where prisoners of hell sat, amidst coughing foreigners getting free medical care on the citizens’ tax money, eternally filling out paperwork while Rachael Ray’s daytime talk show played non-stop on the TV. Another section looked like the parking lot outside of a fancy nightclub. I stood there looking around trying to figure out what was so bad about it, when I noticed several people pacing around anxiously. I asked Ralph what was going on, and he told me in that section of hell, people were eternally trying to bum cigarettes off of other people, but everyone who had cigarettes only had menthols—hence, the anxious pacing.

In addition to the areas of hell I witnessed, I was also taken down a long hallway with doors on both sides. Here, I was allowed to read the names on the doors but not actually witness the horrors behind them. Ralph explained that I wouldn’t be able to live a normal, sane life again if I actually saw what was behind the doors, but I should take note of them for when I told the living what I had seen in hell. Here are a few of the room names I remember: “Feminist poetry reading room (now with female-empowering tampon commercials),” “Knock-knock jokes told by an Austin Powers impersonator,” and “The films of M. Night Shyamalan as musicals.”

Me: “Hell isn’t as scary as I thought it would be.”
Ralph: “What? Are you kidding? Didn’t you see the M. Night Shyamalan room?”
Me: “That was terrifying, but I thought there would have been horrific torture or something—jagged metal catheters, broken glass enemas, boner demon rape squads, Rosie O’Donnell giving birth to a puss-oozing hippopotamus, gut-ripping hellfire ogres, and shit like that.”
Ralph: “Wow. Boner demon rape squads? You’re a sick bastard.
Me: “Well, I thought hell was supposed to be home to the most horrific tortures imaginable. The kind of shit you see in old Catholic paintings.”
Ralph: “To be honest with you, hell used to be a lot more like that; although, those paintings were always a bit over the top. The higher-ups decided that irritating every-day situations repeated over and over again for the rest of time without change are far more torturous than getting ripped apart by demons in a bonfire. Hell is all about stagnation and frustration.”
Me: “I find that a little hard to believe.”
Ralph: “People can get used to pain or even learn to enjoy it, but no one ever learns to enjoy being bored and annoyed all the time. It’s maddening.”
Me: “That is pretty fucking twisted.”
Ralph: “That’s hell for you.”

Ralph then took me to a small room at the end of the hallway, where I met Lucifer, the devil. Lucifer was a normal looking guy, sitting behind a small desk and typing furiously at a small computer. His office looked more like a large cubicle than the boardroom of the prince of darkness. When we walked in, Lucifer hardly looked away from his computer long enough to acknowledge our presence.

Ralph: “Morb, this is Lucifer. Lucifer, this is Morbid Misanthrope. Morb’s another mortal the Boss wanted brought here for the grand tour.”
Lucifer: “Mm-hmm. Hey, that’s great. Douchebag is one word, right?”
Ralph: “Yeah, one word.”
Me: “What, exactly, is he working on?”
Lucifer: “Totally ruining God’s day, that’s what I’m working on.”
Ralph: “Lucifer here spends all of his time flaming God’s message boards, sending Him spam, leaving rude comments on God’s MySpace page, and maintaining http://www.godisadick.com/.”
Lucifer: Hey, Morb, you’re pretty good at this ranting shit. What do you think sounds better, ass-licking dildo monkey or dildo-licking ass monkey?
Me: “I’m not really comfortable helping you talk shit about God.”
Lucifer: “Whatevs. Would you guys get out of here, I’m totally on a roll. Oh, by the way, Morb, keep up all that drinking and smoking. Cheers!”
Me: “Great. If I learn nothing else on this trip, at least I know the devil approves of my self-destructive lifestyle. I don’t quite know how that should make me feel, though.”
Ralph: “We need to get going. You still have to see heaven. And I am not working free overtime for you.”
Me: “You don’t get paid overtime in heaven?”
Ralph: “No, and we don’t have a health plan, either.”
Me: “Do you need one?”
Ralph: “That isn’t the point.”

Ralph snapped his fingers and suddenly we were standing in heaven. Much like hell, heaven was visually unimpressive. We were standing in an open field beneath a cloudless sky. It was sunny but not too bright, warm but not too hot. Everything was a little hazy, but Ralph explained that was just because my human eyes weren’t capable of viewing the glories of heaven in their entire magnificent splendor. If I were to see heaven as it really was, I’d never be able to leave. Ralph also told me that seeing God in person would make my skeleton explode and then reassemble just so it could melt. I was rather upset that I wouldn’t be able to speak to God in person, but Ralph said God never answers the questions of mortals without being really cryptic, and I wouldn’t understand His answers until I was seconds away from death anyway.

We hurriedly walked the grounds of heaven—the parts of heaven I was allowed to see—and Ralph recited some memorized information about peace, comfort, and eternal contentment. I noticed everyone in heaven was either just strolling around smiling or playing puzzle games.

Me: “I haven’t seen such dopey grins since the retard down the street learned how to play pocket pool. Why is everyone fucking around with Rubik’s Cubes and shit?”
Ralph: “Thanks for watching the swearing, I really appreciate that. You know, it’s not like we’re in heaven or anything. Anyway, people here are at perfect peace. They no longer experience frustration or boredom. In life, most people don’t have the time, patience, or capacity to truly enjoy using their brains. In heaven, everyone appreciates the value of an unclouded mind. Contemplation and learning never end or get old here. When people in heaven want a short break from pondering all of the mysteries of the universe, they unwind with simple puzzle games. The Rubik’s Cube is sort of an inside joke here, because, aside from being a fun, simple puzzle, it holds the mathematical formula necessary to convert simple matter—trash, for example—into an endless supply of clean energy. It’s one of the basic formulas God used to create the universe.”
Me: “Dude, you have to explain that one to me.”
Ralph: “Sorry, that’s classified. Someone on earth is scheduled to figure it out in the next decade or so. Besides, you suck at math. The guy that cleans up after the dogs on puppy heaven has a better understanding of numbers than you.”
Me: “That would be insulting if it weren’t so true.”
Ralph: “I’m not trying to sell you on anything here, but if you do end up coming here when you die, you’ll finally understand algebra.”
Me: “And all of life’s other secrets that have baffled mankind throughout history?”
Ralph: “Pretty much. There are some things only God can know.”
Me: “Right. That makes sense. Hey, will I know the meaning of life in heaven?”
Ralph: “Sort of. Knowing the meaning of life is how you get into heaven in the first place.”
Me: “What?”
Ralph: “Of course, if you don’t figure that out in time, you’ll either end up working here, only enjoying heaven on the weekends, or you’ll end up in hell. Good luck.”

Then, as suddenly as I had been whisked away to the afterlife by a smartass in a cheap suit, I was back on the bed in my room, watching TV. It was a strange and surreal experience, and the responsibility of telling the world what I had seen weighed heavily on my shoulders. As I started mentally planning how best to spread the word, I noticed they were playing a Bizarre Foods with Andrew Zimmern marathon on the Travel Channel. I figured my mission could wait for a few hours. That was, like, three years ago. Don’t judge me; I got busy. Better late than never, right?

Warning: These rantings of a crazy man do not reflect the views of this blog or its owner--in fact, I don't know why I'm posting this... ^_^

Whore-licks and the Cathartic Process

2007-07-31T10:11:00.000+02:00

Elusive like serotonin.

On this quest for ultimate happiness, I encounter many obstacles.

How is it that one can be walking on clouds one moment, and contemplating the ratio of pen dullness to skin strength, if the pen were to slip and you are suddenly stabbing yourself in the throat?

There is no substitute for human touch.

What is it about that most sensory organ – the skin – that makes your brain short circuit in the most delicious way, causing worries to diminish and total warmth and internal glowing to ensue?

When you cant touch the one you love, find a suitable substitute.

In the end, there is nothing more satisfying, more healing, than a steaming cuppa hot choc.

gory allegory

2007-07-25T13:18:00.000+02:00

all i need for me to be happy, is 30 grand, right now.

that is all i need.

with 30 grand, i can do everything i want to. and, happiness will ensue.

the problem is, where on earth will i find this instant 30 grand? methinks, i should apply for a game show or something.

with this moola, i would pay off my credit card, an eternal bane on my tedious existence. then, i would buy myself a (music) keyboard (who can afford a piano these days?) -- i've always wanted to learn how to play. then, i would pay for a course in Graphic Design. And, with the other half of the money, i would go to europe and tour for 2 weeks - the museums, the countryside, everything!

why is money so important anyway?

why wasn't i a trust fund baby??

**sigh**

[30 grand south african rand equals about 4 grand american dollars]

Kung Fu Hustle

2007-07-16T13:37:00.000+02:00

Happy Monday, folks!

Towards the end of last week, I bought an eyetoy for my ps2. With this eyetoy I am able to learn Kung Fu. So far, I have been in horrible pain for 3 days. The stances are killing my legs. It happens.

This decision was brought on by merging 2 of my new year’s resolutions/ dreams for myself; 1) Getting fitter and 2) learning a martial art. So far, my virtual personal trainer has been very supportive. And I’m enjoying the program. It is too early in the game to make any definite judgements about this way of getting fit, but time will tell.

Criticism:
The first problem I have with this program, is that I don’t think I’m getting enough cardio exercise. I don’t feel tired much when I do it. But, I did set it on Easy to start with. So, I suppose it will get more challenging in time.

The other rather huge problem I have, is that it is incredibly difficult to centre the eyetoy on me. The result being – I get horrific ratings for the routines I do, despite copying my virtual instructor perfectly. Maybe my room is too small. Or the light isn’t bright enough. Who knows? But, it is getting on my nerves.

On the plus side, the exercises are really targeting my problem areas. So, I should be a hottie again in no time flat. Additionally, the Yoga stances and Massage instruction modules are pretty kewl too. I’ve learned more than I bargained for.

Will I still be sticking to the program 2 weeks from now? Who knows? I have a competitive soul and usually prefer humans around me to compete with. So, all alone in my room, there is no telling how long I will remain motivated.

Yesterday, I kicked a dragon’s ass. How brilliant is that?

When in doubt

2007-07-12T11:31:00.000+02:00

So, I received my final marks for the Qualifying Exam 1 last night.

We all know that I didn’t make it.

You cannot imagine my heartbreaking disappointment, when I opened the letter and saw that my average [you need a 50% average for the 2 consecutive 5 hour papers written in March], was in fact a D.

A D, ladies and gents, meaning, I got around 40-49%.

***

Allow that to sink in.

***

This is a test that costs R2,500 to write. It is a prerequisite for the second Qualifying Exam, which is written in November. An exam I will not be able to write this year.

This is a test that one needs to travel to go write. And pay for over-night lodgings.

This is a test, that takes away all of your nights, spent pouring over books and doing questions. One question taking anything from 1 to 5 hours to complete.

That 2-9% has taken away another year of my life. And a large chunk of my going-overseas cash money.

***

Tell me something beautiful.

2007-07-09T11:20:00.000+02:00

Roll for initiative

I stand at the edge of an icy chasm. Darkness and fog surround me. It is a cold, barren wasteland – stretching into an eternity of uncertainty.

I stand alone.

The chasm is my life.

The plunging depths echo of the choices ahead. I don’t feel sane or rational.

So, here are my choices as I see them:

- Stay where I am – expire in a downward spiral of mediocrity and tedium, ad infinitum.
- Stay in my chosen career – but, do Graphic Design, and now – a new entry – a Freelance Journalism course. [Combined cost – 10 grand]
- Study only towards my chosen career. [Cost if pass – 7 grand, a life of work-study-sleep, rinse and repeat for 2 more years. Same job.]
- Move to the city, abandon CA, do IT.
- Quit everything. Become a hobo. Mooch off others. Lose insanity gradually. Inevitable death.

I’ve sent in a request for information on Graphic Design and Freelance Journo-ism to a distance learning institution. My books for my next Accounting Exam lay open on my desk at home. I’m scheduled on a new audit client.

Who said I couldn’t do or have it all?

In an instant

2007-07-06T10:00:00.000+02:00

Tis a foggy foggy mind that sometimes leads my tired body.

Like today.

Impending agony numbs me. I am depressed and deflated long before the source of torment presents itself. This alone is enough to make my mood plunge even further into the depths of wailing torture.

I’m screaming. Silently. On the inside.

These zombie eyes that almost meet yours are cast down in fatigue. Emotional hurt usurps energy from the soul as efficiently as the sun takes water from the earth. It’s a universal happenstance – and there’s nothing one can do to stop it.

Two days from now, I will be alone again.

Alone, to study. To diet. To work. To be protected and held captive in my self-constructed shell, away from the world. To be by myself, again.

Alone, I suffer.

Silently, I cry.

what dnd character am i?

2007-07-02T16:11:00.000+02:00

True Neutral Elf Bard

Alignment:
True Neutral characters are very rare. They believe that balance is the most important thing, and will not side with any other force. They will do whatever is necessary to preserve that balance, even if it means switching allegiances suddenly.

Race:
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.

Primary Class:
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.

a darker shade of noir

2007-06-20T15:38:00.000+02:00

hi there

to whom it may concern, or not.

i will be absent from cyberspace for the next couple days. I am receiving the results of a rather important test on Friday, and i will be writing part 1 of 2 of a rather important test on Saturday.

Do what you must to wish me luck and logical thinking.

I will be buried nose-deep in my books for the next couple days in preparation for the day long exam on Saturday. **sigh**

It never ends. But, progress is always a motivational factor.

maxim of the times

2007-06-18T12:44:00.000+02:00

friends and neighbours!

i find it difficult to write/type up anything decent when im happy. but, to those of you interested, today, i am happy. and, indeed, for the rest of the week and the 2 that follow, i will be happy. in this daze of blissful euphoria, i will remain.

happiness may very well be transient and come from within, but, ... i dunno. sometimes it can be caused by an external source, as in my case.

there is something to be said for human touch. hugging often. feeling loved.

there is something to be said for sharing thoughts and being held.

happiness is a drug. and i am addicted.

ps -- if anyone knows how a "feed" works, i wish to learn about/use it in my daily blogging. its supposed to be an alerting sort of thing --> lets you know when certain web pages are updated. please help me... im... fragile.

Living eulogy

2007-06-12T08:09:00.000+02:00

I believe it was mr jim morrison who said it best: this is the end.

I find myself in familiar territory.

How can I love when I do not love myself? Who would love me, if I find myself repulsive?

What’s the point to it all in the end, if nothing I do is good enough, or of significance in any way?

What have I learned?

Happiness is measured by the number of friends you have, not money or prestige, or body shape, or any other material nonsense, despite what the ad companies tell you.

No matter how hard I try, the fact of the matter is, I will never be good enough. I do not have the talent. I lack the willpower. I am tired of trying to be what I’m not.

Turns out, living for others did not work out for me. Living by the choices of others has led me into a trap of humiliation and despair. Misery and angst.

To stand up for myself, for the first time, I will make a choice.

I choose death.

Time to trip the light fantastic. Time to plummet off the ole mortal coil. Time to take my mediocrity to another level.

Here’s to coming back as a playmate.

Thanks to all of those who read my thoughts and commented. Much appreciated. [that means you, morb]. And the rest of you, you’re too late, show’s over.

Do not weep for me, I have shed tears enough in my existence. But, Rejoice in my final act of taking possession of my life.

This is the end.

from fred nietzsche

2007-06-08T15:27:00.000+02:00

This is really all about me..

4 Errors by Fred Nietzsche

1. The Error of Confusing Cause and Effect.

Example: Live a long and happy life eating the frugal Cornaro diet!

Error: Cornaro thought that his diet was the cause ofhis long life. Actually, his particular physical constitution was the cause of his long life *and* his frugal diet. Others eating this diet might not fare so well! But this erroneous reasoning applies equally well to questions of religion and morality: think ofthe popular contention among the religious that if people were not religious, they would have no reason to act morally -- as if moral codes were the cause of morality.

2. The Error of False Causality.

Example: I am the cause of my thoughts/behaviors. I attribute motives to others as the reasons they act as they do.

Error: The ego is a phantom, called up by reason to account for what occurs -- to make the accounting workout. We created the world of inner causality, will,and motives as players in a story which makes sense,and which works in the most important functional sense as a tool whereby we interact successfully with others... but this is no proof that it is so.

3. The Error of Imaginary Causes.

Example: When just waking up from a dream, a noise will often get incorporated into the dream. A loud bang becomes something that you dropped in your dream,for example.

Error: Your psyche must have caught the sound and held onto it until it could incorporate it into the story of your dream -- until it could make sense of it. But we do this when waking, too. We often make up causes(stories) for what we must incorporate into the story of our lives. Religion could be thought of as part of this impulse to make sense of things. Think of the explanations of why bad things happen to good people.

4. The Error of Free Will.

Example: You committed this crime, therefore you must pay because you could have done otherwise. You didn't have to be a criminal.

Error: Free will is the apologia of the psychology of punishment. We believe you to be free in order to hold you guilty. This ignores the actual complexities of life and each person's inner complexity. It makes possible Sin and Hell, and thereby Forgiveness and Heaven.

just a random observation

2007-06-08T12:26:00.000+02:00

it has come to my limited attention that the blogses i used to frequent have, for the most part - died.

the culprit?

Facebook.

DAMM you, Facebook!!

i wish i had access.

Juxtaposition

2007-06-05T15:58:00.000+02:00

Today, I will talk about joy.

You may even say, that I wish to wax lyrical about it. Ha ha. Anyway.

Joy is when I see the one person I love most in the world. Especially, when it has been many months since I last saw said person.

This is shit.

It has just come to my attention that I need some chocolate. It may even lighten my mood. Who knows.

So, today, I went to the local traffic department. I had to get my drivers’ license renewed. (It expired last week).

Although we could not be more than 15 people in the queue when I got there, I spent 3,5 hours waiting and queuing. It was not a fun morning.

Not only are there zero instructions and surly government officials, but, seating is limited and the costs are extremely high.

I mean, where is my R250 going? And R20 for 2 mini id photos? (Keeping in mind that they only used one, but sell them in 2s. you’re also not allowed to get ID photo’s from anyone but them. Can you say “rip-off”?)

On the upside, I met some kewl individuals. It’s amazing who you may find yourself queuing with and the conversations that may spring from these chance meetings.

I met a primary school teacher and a nurse. They had some interesting views on life, love and everything in-between.

It is a strange phenomenon how one shares hopes and dreams with random strangers at times.

They had some good advice. Care to hear it? (well, read it)

The best piece of advice I got today, is that – I’m not getting any younger. What I regret now, I’ll regret forever. Therefore, I should do what I want to while I still can. I don’t want to regret not doing what I wanted to when it’s all over…

So. What to do then?

I’ve identified, (with the help of my loving lover) what exactly it is I want in the perfect job for me. More or less the following:

I want to be able to work flexi-hours.
I want to be able to work in a pair of jeans and my DCs.
I don’t want to have to report to an asshole boss.
I wanna have job satisfaction – like I achieved something, or helped someone.
I want recognition for a job well done.
I want to receive a market-related salary – enough to be comfortable.
I wanna be creative in my job.

Yeah – that’s about it.

The trick would now be to match a job to this.

Oh, and I enjoy drawing.

I may be unravelling..

2007-05-31T12:01:00.000+02:00

i keep seeing death and destruction in my minds' eye..

my murderous imagination dreams up violent ways for the people i severely dislike to meet their demise.

i'd write some of them down... but, they are disturbing, even to me..

i may be unravelling.

on caring too much

2007-05-30T13:23:00.001+02:00

im fed up

im tired of feeling useless and despondent.

im gonna make these asshats eat their headgear and choke on the taste.

i can be the best at this bs job.

enough with the whining. enough with the bitching, moaning and wailing. im getting rid of the daddy’s lil princess attitude. no more complaining.

no hunger. no financial difficulty. no “oh, my life sux so much ass”

il show all of them.

im not stupid. im certainly not lazy.

i will be the best. and they will want me to stay after my contract expires..

but, i have no loyalty in my heart for these pricks with calculators.

im getting the fuck OUT -- asap.

but first, im kicking the living piss out of everyone else. intellectually, of course.

no more ridicule.

in time, theyll be coming to me for advice.

could it be that i dont have what it takes?

2007-05-26T11:03:00.001+02:00

days merge with weeks, which in turn, mesh with months. on the upside, soon i will be done with all this. on the other hand, life is passing me by. yesterday; i was still in highschool - trudging the halls, enduring the taunts and tiresome repetition of tedium. today; i suffer through my twenties, working every second im awake, and studying when half awake. [who needs sleep anyway.] tomorrow; il be dead.

frigid air assaults my skin when i step into winter, outside. its is cold. my heart has frozen. i lack warmth. there is no love in my heart for this life i lead. there is no passion for the tasks i perform. there is nothing but frustration, pain. and the bitter cold.

i imagine the scarf around my neck to be the loving caress of a hangman's noose. soon, the world around me will flicker and fade. soon, the ground will drop away from beneath my feet. soon there will be nothing but absolute silence. golden, in its tranquillity - i will suspend the suffering into eternity.

time remains elusive. space, a delusion. my downward spiral continues into infinity. round and round it goes - where it stops, nobody knows.

and i am yet to experience happiness.

how do i feel today

2007-05-25T16:34:00.000+02:00

i want to kill people.

i want to run away and join the circus.

i want to not have to deal with paper files, papercuts and b*tching clients.

i wanna die.

i wanna get out of here.

i wanna not stress anymore.

i wanna be done.

i wanna retire.

i hate my job.

on my morbid attraction to suffering

2007-05-22T13:59:00.000+02:00

this really got me thinking --> a message from god

a life wasted

2007-05-17T15:44:00.000+02:00

a couple things i learned the hard way while working for pricks with calculators

1. get EVERYTHING in writing.
coz when the shit hits the fan, everyone – your managers, so-called friends and HR, all get selective amnesia and can’t remember any conversations ever taking place.

2. you have NO FRIENDS in the corporate world. coz everyone there is just gonna cover their own ass.

3. your company WILL screw you up the ass and expect you to smile. and keep smiling. they can even state that “being miserable” is grounds for not getting promoted.

4. you are nothing but a number to your company, despite all the bullshit they feed you. you’re a resource, like a pack of post-its, and they will you keep you there at the lowest possible salary if they can get away with it. and they will. coz they’re sneaky bastards.

5. even when something is not your fault, but happens to your detriment, if you DID NOT cover your ass with a document trail, you are FUCT, despite being a shining example of dedication; see point 6 below.

6. They will only remember where you screwed up. never the free overtime hours. when you did extra work. all the happy clients. when you were below budget. when you made extra money for the boss. if you brought in new clients. they will only remember that one time in ’89 you blew the budget by a day. more selective amnesia.

7. there is no work-life balance. its a myth. ditto with “flexible work hours for mothers”. it’s something they put on the HR policy to look pretty. good luck with finding that in practice.

8. the bottom line IS the BOTTOM LINE. the bosses are there to make cash munny.

9. when you are crying in the bathroom by yourself, trying to hide the puffiness, etc, NO ONE will come cheer you up. if anyone talks to you after, its to get the gossip. and spread it. like the fear of gawd has been put in them to do so.

10. this is only the beginning. setting you up for failure, screwing you in the ass, and blaming you for it... can’t wait for next year.

Happy Blogday!

2007-05-17T12:40:00.000+02:00

It's been one year.

woohoo

when everything is going wrong

2007-05-14T18:10:00.000+02:00

have you ever felt that life is leaving you behind?

because i still have my immaculate teeth of wisdom, i will share some pearls with you –

first deserve. then desire.

on finding magic and light in my life...

i want to tell you of my hopes and dreams... listen close, but give me time..

death’s shroud covers my entirety. i want to expire into nothingness and just get it over with.

darkness seeps into my soul, my bones ache, my head throbs.. happy memories haunt me – they taunt me.

there is no escape.

I'm the lord and master

2007-05-05T12:51:00.000+02:00

squirrelly wrath --> foamy

personality disorder

2007-05-02T15:13:00.000+02:00

Cattell's 16 Factor Test Results

Warmth		38%
Intellect		82%
Emotional Stability		74%
Aggressiveness		50%
Liveliness		34%
Dutifulness		86%
Social Assertiveness		34%
Sensitivity		50%
Paranoia		70%
Abstractness		74%
Introversion		58%
Anxiety		66%
Openmindedness		74%
Independence		62%
Perfectionism		78%
Tension		34%

Take Cattell 16 Factor Test (similar to 16pf)
personality tests by similarminds.com

i woke up today and wished for tomorrow

2007-04-26T09:38:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow i head out. Gonna be a day of much travel - the culmination of 3 weeks’ planning.

It is a long weekend. Friday – Freedom Day. Tuesday – Workers Day. Monday – I put in some annual leave. Voila – Extended weekend.

Where am I going?

Well, I’m heading to Port Elizabeth. Flying to East London first tho, flights to PE were miraculously sold out, at weird times or just plain ole much too expensive. This was the cheapest combo i could dream up. [and that includes looking at bus schedules. Go Greyhound!]

anyway.

I’m very excited.

My journey starts after work today. I drive the 280 odd km’s to Johannesburg. Sleep over at my brother’s flat in Centurion, Pretoria, Gauteng. He takes me to the airport (Joburg international) at some ungodly hour Friday morning. 8am, i land in EL. I meet up with a friend i havnt seen in ELEVEN YEARS. He has agreed to drive me to PE. 3,5hrs later, i meet up with my bf (who flew in from Stellenbosch) in PE.

Talk about planning.

This will be my third visit with him this year. There won’t be another public holiday causing a long weekend till September. Dam.

Anyway, I’ll be back in Blogland Wednesday. ^_^

Wish me luck!

good music – nostalgia

2007-04-25T13:24:00.000+02:00

last week, a guy at work let me rip a copy of a cd he bought. he was like – you gotta listen to this, you’ll love it.

he was right.

he usually is, as far as my taste goes.

so, i thought to myself... [over-analyst that i am] ... what does that say about him? and me? is it a talent he has, guessing/ knowing what kind of music any given person would like? or, does he know me that well? am i that transparent?

...

reminds me of my primary school days. my first boyfriend. he used to make me mixed tapes of songs he liked. thinking maybe i would like them. this was when cd’s were just coming out in SA. [or, where i was, anyway.] i only got my 1st cd when i was std 3, or something to that effect.

mixed tapes. heh. that was a long time ago.

**general nostalgia**

i wonder whatever happened to that guy...

100 posts

2007-04-19T15:53:00.000+02:00

when there is no answer

i heard a couple eye-openers today (ha ha), which i had forgotten i knew. here they are:

-one cannot lessen loneliness by listening to someone else, but only when someone else listens to you.
-life is all about perception. when you get your perception right, the rest will follow.
-You can’t compare yourself to other people, you don’t know how messed up they are.

These got me thinking.

Is it reasonable for me to be woefully depressed and negative all the time? To waste my life this way?

People who live in the past, will never be happy. Constant regret and longing, for what could have been, might have been, should have been.

People who live in the future, will also never achieve contentment. They are always waiting for something to happen, something that will make everything better. but, that something never comes. it’s always replaced by some new future goal.

To be completely happy, you have to live in the moment. Forget the past. Forget the future. Live in the now. Regret nothing. And just... live.

See only opportunities and challenges.

[Ed’s note – so... this was my feeble attempt at motivating myself.. did i convince anybody? ... ]

twentyfour

2007-04-11T18:46:00.000+02:00

so, yesterday was my 24th birthday.

it was a nice day. ^_^

24 is a magical number.

it means im getting old.

i was maths24 champion at my primary school, all the years they held tournaments.

24 is a really kewl tv show. [so i hear]

24 hours in a day.

24 years in my life.

my mom was 24 when she had me.

im still unmarried and living with my parents.

*sigh*

a nation of bastards

2007-04-05T14:44:00.000+02:00

so, i was sitting at lunch today, the whole team of underlings in the audit [bosses eating at posher place, of course]. anyway. and, anti-social person that i am, i was just sitting there, staring out into space...

and i thought – wow. 3 indians. 2 white. 1 coloured. and 2 black.

the government sets these standards for the composition of staff in business in this country. if you wanna do business, these are the races you need.

its interesting.

and, i thought – what a diverse group of people. coz, everybody had different eating requirements, religions, culture quirks. its... fascinating.

anyway. id better stop daydreaming and get to work.

on the road less travelled

2007-04-03T11:32:00.000+02:00

the week in nelspruit is now ancient history. but, what a wonderful experience that was! friendly people. city-like shops. a hire car i can't afford on my measely salary. accomodation i couldnt afford on my salary. sigh.

so, im back at the office. it's almost weekend... sorta. easter is coming up. i was hoping to drive to cape town, but, i cant find anyone crazy enough to join me on my insane adventure. it happens.

my life has not become less tedious.

i now have 2 managers who are giving me enough work for 3 people. my head hit my pillow some time after midnight -- had been working all night. at least i dont have to study now. not for a little while anyway.

i hope there is a point to this suffering.

and dont tell me its money.

HA.

the monkey chases the weasel

2007-03-24T09:54:00.000+02:00

here i am, at the office on a saturday. it makes my heart bleed. never thought it would happen to me.

so, tomorrow, i drive the 360 odd kilometres to joburg. then, at some ungodly hour on monday morning, i fly to nelspruit, all by myself, and get a car and drive off into the sunset -- all for the job.. sigh. im supposed to prepare for the new job, but im still suffering through the old job. :(

i also do not have directions at all. which is no fun. :( [well, i have some, but i dont know the place!!!]

*sigh*

im a busy bee.

ima trixie pixie

2007-03-20T08:40:00.000+02:00

Take the Magic: The Gathering 'What Color Are You?' Quiz.

apathy for hierarchy

2007-03-08T07:47:00.000+02:00

a short respite..

despite having been at home for the past 3 weeks, i am still woefully unprepared for this exam. i couldnt sleep last night\ this morning.. i guess the tension is getting to me.

i bought a new car. i asked for a blue one. i got a green one. they call it "magnum blue". magnum blue my ass. its green.

my investment portfolio is worth 6 grand.. which isnt great. but, its not bad either. maybe i should allocate a larger portion of my disposable income to investment activities... maybe i need to stop studying for a while...

ive been watching naruto and reading the manga for yakitate japan. hilarious. but, its difficult getting used to the whole reading the manga from right to left. trying to learn german is an uphill battle. specially trying to read it. omg. maybe i should rethink my strategy. who knows.

when i get back from study leave, i have a shit storm waiting for me, in the guise of the partner\director at the firm, wanting to take a crap on me.. apparently he is pissed coz ive been putting my feelers out for work elsewhere [my contract ends at the end of the year] and i didnt tell him that i wanted to transfer... f*** that. that is all.

this morning i had the most wonderful fantasy -- if i won R30million. ... [lottery of course] what would i do with it? well, after i pay off my credit card and my new car, and buy myself a flat, im going to art school!!

if only.

till later then, kiddies. work/study waits for no lemming.

happy valentines day

2007-02-14T08:17:00.000+02:00

yes, friends and neighbours, another stroke of commercialism brilliance! Some guy got beheaded a couple 100 years ago, now flower/candy/jewellery stores are having a field day. who knew.

a day designed to make the haves feel good. and the have-nots feverishly contemplate suicide. [almost like x-mas, which has the highest suicide rate of any time of the year]

if all else fails, one could always send flowers to yourself... but, really... how pathetic is that?

on another note, im going on study leave [FINALLY] for the board exam at the end of this week. 3 weeks. so, il be away for a while. have fun, kiddies. im gonna enjoy my time of not having to come to this gawd-4saken place many deem to affectionately label "the office". [bleh] i, however, will be comfortably reclining in my pj's at all inappropriate hours of the day. and i will enjoy it.

till then.

good night and good luck.

self exploration - science fiction

2007-02-05T12:51:00.000+02:00

I am:

James Tiptree, Jr. (Alice B. Sheldon)

In the 1970s she was perhaps the most memorable, and one of the most popular, short story writers. Her real life was as fantastic as her fiction.

Which science fiction writer are you?

d34th by numb3r5

2007-02-05T12:05:00.000+02:00

here's an update, for anyone who cares [or doesnt]:

Im still working. things are getting busy, as its the end of 2 audits simultaneously.

others are on leave, studying for board. but, not i. the big boss seems to have gone anal. [just when i applied for leave, it seems]. i have but 2 weeks to study for the board exam. this is an exam which costs R2,500 to write.

i spend my weekends driving up and down between client offices, my job office and for classes in johannesburg. i drove about 900km over the past 7 days. i drive more than i study. and im starting to doubt the value of attending classes 350kms away.

my car is due for its 2nd service. this is gonna cost me money i dont have. the car is not even 2 years old. but, i suppose it is to be expected.

i was denied a transfer to the cape, where my lover is. denied by the very people who told me, if i pass the cta exam, they will take me. lying bastards.

one of my bosses spent most of thursday and friday yelling at me and telling me how horrible i am at my job. there i sat in his office, trying to explain my own and 2 other people's *crap* work.

im sorry, this is turning out to be more of a bitching session. but, i truly DO hate my job. i wish i could just quit, but i cant. i have commitments and contracts. im stuck. dont know what to do. im feeling tremendous pressure and im quite busy.. i should be studying, but i work instead -- to get the bosses off my arse.

guess who will be the ones freaking out the loudest when i fail this board exam for lack of studying...

the hypocracy gets to me.

**frustration**

Moist Robot Madness

2007-02-01T08:04:00.000+02:00

follow the white rabit ---> moist robots

hoPes and dreAms are moRTal enemieS

2007-01-23T16:40:00.000+02:00

i am tormented.

actively i detest this tragic existence. my recurring theme. all the could-have-beens assault my wasted mind. they rot inside me. tyrannical in their approach. beating me senseless. daily.

what could have been:

dear me

am i a writer? could i have been? does the eloquence flow from my fingertips with fickle, yet furtive abandon? was there a future there for me? a career? reporting on the wasteful repeated futility of the exciting lives of others? writing of another drowning, another murder, more large-scale madness? would i have been happy?

am i a painter? would i have excelled at drawing? have my passions been misspent? were there opportunities for me? in animation? in cartooning? do i have good ideas? are my talents trampled in my myopic state? blind to the endless possibilities? would it have fulfilled me?

am i a care giver? was medicine the way to go? would i have relished in walking the corridors of healthcare, dark yet rewarding? would i have come home with a feeling of serene accomplishment? would the crisp white coat have covered my insecurities half as well as i would have needed it to? would i have been complete?

i chose my current path. and,with tortured tenacity, in that decision, i can blame or praise only myself. i cannot know how different my life, for the better or worse, would have been, had i chosen differently. dam elusive wisdom.

do not cry for me. for, i love you. more than you could know.

im just a sad song. disregard me when the melody fades and the last note dies away.

the floODgates burst; a soggy surgE

2007-01-23T16:36:00.000+02:00

i have disappeared.

i live my life – this un-life – alone.

forever. it’s only as long as i will lead you to believe. and an eternity in pain and anguish leads to nowhere. certainly.

you can’t hurt me anymore.

ive reached the precipice. no returning now. my grave lunges at me. your feeble attempt at sacrificing / saving yourself. i am delinquent. my disarrayed thoughts flutter helplessly to incinerate instantly on the furnace of my hopeless future.

my future is a mystery, shrouded in my deepest darkest fears.

i may not be a perfect person. but, i have feelings. simple-minded. bury me. a watery grave for me. i drown in my own self-pity. there is no empathy for one such as i. ample opportunity for agonising gasping.

i plod plotless into melancholy.

join me.

i dont wanna do this alone anymore. i dont wanna be alone anymore. pity me. i reach out. i seek. i am utterly alone.

please cherish me?

NOTE: Out of Office

2007-01-08T16:01:00.000+02:00

Hi, everyone...

it's not that im anti-social or anything [altho, strictly speaking i am, in reality], im away from the office for the next, ohhh, id say 3 months... away on assignment, then study leave for BOARD EXAM. and, away from the office means away from the great network...

soooo, il be bloggin' more and chattin more when i get back! I havent forgotten anyone! just, not there to blog. which SUX.

untill later then, and wish me luck!!!

Resolute in revolution

2007-01-04T16:13:00.000+02:00

Tis that time of the year again: time to make some resolutions, set some goals, i suppose.

And herewith are some things id like to improve upon regarding myself...

Neko's Resolutions 2007:

1. READ More - I wanna read 10 books this year, at LEAST, one being German.
2. APPEARANCE - Im gonna put more effort into what i look like every day, ie, hair and clothes.
3. POSTURE - I will stand / sit up straight, to avoid quasimodo-ism.
4. ExERCISE - I will join the gym [again] this year, and go often.
5. EAT RITE - More fruit, veggies and water!!!

That ought to do it for now.

Here's to the year of action: 007

Merry merry Xmas

2006-12-26T23:51:00.000+02:00

Merry Xmas, All!!!!

and a marvellous new year!

watashi no sakura

2006-12-07T14:51:00.000+02:00

when there is nothing left, but to wait...

the year rolls slowly to a close.

i don't understand why i have to sit at the office, effectively doing nothing... and why i can't just go on holiday... id be on a plane by now... i have no reason to be here... except that i have no more leave days available... so here i sit.

exam results will be revealed on tuesday.. or thats how legend has it... i dunno. i'm just dreading the seconds as they tick past... wishing for time to hurry up till i leave these depressing surroundings and go to a friendlier place... soon.

for the first time in my life, im happy with the flatness of my stomach. 2 months of gymming has done some wonderous things to my body. i can only hope i don't screw it up over the next 3 weeks.

it's so hard to believe that the hols will be over in just 3 weeks. waited all year for this. it will be over so soon. life just isnt fair sometimes.

i gotta get outa here... one more "work day" to go.

i hate it when i wish my life away.

krismissy things

2006-11-30T12:00:00.000+02:00

its that time of the year again.

the true meaning of xmas has been lost in a flurry of dealing with xmas shopping, putting up trees and finding the right outfit... the spirit of xmas seems to be trying not to kill yourself, or anyone else when trying to find parking at the over-full shopping malls.

*sigh*

on the upside, there are just a couple days left till i get to go on holiday. 9, for that matter. and i cant wait.

my christmas list includes:
- spending time with my bf [who i only see about 4 times a year, for a couple days at a time]
- spending time with my family [extended family, havnt seen them much at all]
- id like the opportunity to make some cakes and tarts for the fam before going to bf's fam's place for xmas for the 3rd consecutive year. i like baking. my mums already done the fruitcakes. which are divine.
- and a silver charm bracelet / watch combo.

[materialism, you can't really escape it most of the time]

and tomorrow is the "tropical" year end function... yeah. should be interesting.

who knows what the new year will bring...

bright green companion

2006-11-24T08:56:00.000+02:00

sometimes, like this morning, my ignorance serves me well.

i got into my little car, same as any morning, to go to work. I switch on my radio, Rammstein tells me the sun is coming this way. I back out of the driveway of my parents' house and absently wonder if I'll ever be able to afford a place of my own.

i shift to first gear and turn into the road, when i notice for the first time a bright green grasshopper chilling on my windscreen wiper. As i shift to 2nd and 3rd, i see him wriggle his antennae. The further i travel on my way to work, the higher up on my windscreen my little green friend travels.

halfway to work, he turns to face the road. he is a bit of an exhibitionist, as he shows me his bright yellow derrier, antennae blowing in the wind. he seems to be enjoying the ride.

i turn into the parking area at the office. and switch off my engine. a pang of regret seizes me. i wonder if my little green friend had family where i so callously took him away. and i wonder if il ever see him again, knowing i probably won't.

such are the vulgarities of life.

more delirium

2006-11-20T13:17:00.000+02:00

at night

no rest for the wicked.

for valour!

honour!

be vigilant and never fear.

there is a release in death that cannot be attained in life.

even with nothing to say, i have a manner of repeating it.

be still and know

<everything>

wretched retching

this is my life. what should i be doing with it??

?

On drugging pain with patience

2006-11-16T07:56:00.000+02:00

"There are souls that are created for one another in the eternities, hearts that are predestined each to each, from the absolute necessities of their nature; and when this man and this woman come face to face, these hearts throb and are one; these souls recognize "my master!" "my mistress!" at the first glance, without words uttered or vows pronounced."

- Anna E. Dickinson, What Answer?

ive been a bad bunny

2006-11-03T16:54:00.000+02:00

so, i havnt gotten around to blogging much lately. sure, inspiration has come and gone... but, i just havnt had the time...

the fascist capitalist bosses have given me more responsibility, you see. i am in a constant state of freaked-outness. coz, i am now the audit senior on this project. and my deadline is next week. and i dont think my minion and i are gonna make it. ... ... ...

*the horror*

ive been coming to the office early and leaving late and working nights [all free, of course.] i do wanna do a good job, you see.

**sigh**

anyway, forgive my absence. i try to visit as much as possible...

5 more weeks to the decemeber hols....

CANT BLUDDY WAIT!!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!!

2006-10-30T10:59:00.000+02:00

repugnant impulse for introspection

2006-10-24T07:56:00.000+02:00

one would think that those closest to someone, would garner the most trust and faith.

why is it that the opinion of others carries so much more weight than that of close friends and family? what does it matter what other people – strangers - think?

*oh, but it does matter*

i would say, “i look disgusting.”

to which the reply would be, “you’re gorgeous.”

“you’re just saying that coz you’re biased, and you want me to be happy.”

*why is there a problem with that?*

**sigh**

maybe more faith should be put in the words of those who know you best.

who know me best.

reaching for the edge of apocalypse

2006-10-19T14:42:00.000+02:00

so, today i wrote my 3rd 5 hour paper. 1 more to go.

but, it goes from bad to worse, coz after exams, it's back to the grindstone. *sigh* work sux. and i wud really rather sit at home. do a bit of reading. a bit of pc gaming. who knows.

random thought i had today: i think i may enjoy my job more, if i were allowed to dress the way i do over weekends, ie. baby dol t, my DCs, jeans... but, they frown on that sort of thing. it doesnt reflect a "professional image". ah well.

bring vir die harlekyn nog wyn

2006-10-16T13:55:00.000+02:00

you know, its a funny ole world.

i try to avoid watching the news as much as possible. dont listen to the radio in my car either, too irritating. because, regardless of time, day, anything... the news always leaves me depressed. the country, the world, is in such a sorry state. i cant believe that in the era of TECHNOLOGY, global communication, there are countries overflowing with people starving, people killing each other... people starting and stoking wars.

i am yet to come across a religion which condones, not to mention encourages, murder.

wtf?

corruption is rife everywhere. the people entrusted with taking care of those less fortunate, are grossly neglecting / ignoring their responsibilities. where is accountability?

the education system in this country is a joke. on the news, tonight, it was said that the government is aware of the fact that 8 out of 10 high schools are dysfunctional, ie. nothing is going on there. no learning / teaching.

dammit. this pisses me off.

here is my suggestion. [coz bitching, without coming up with some sort of solution, is a waste of resources.] i think that, just as doctors are forced to do 2 to 3 years community service, i believe the same should be done to the executive world. why arent the world’s top CEOs doing more against poverty? why arent the brightest minds put to work making the country a more functional place? the C and D students are leading, setting the impractical policies and implementing their half-baked plans.

i believe in sustainability. teach a man to fish and all that. just giving away food, clothes and shelter only teaches people that if you sit around long enough not doing anything, except maybe making a bunch of babies you cant take care of, someone else will do the hard work for you.

and makes the rest of the populace resentful.

there is a [misconceived / wrong / ridiculous] sense of entitlement in this country. everybody wants something for nothing. free houses. free schooling. free medical care. at some point the tax is gonna be so ridiculously high, there’ll be no point in going to work. where else do they suppose the money is supposed to come from?

it is the government’s JOB to take care of its people. politicians should be SERVING the community. what has the president done for me lately? except take 20% of my paycheck regular like clockwork every month. [im still on the entry level tax bracket. its downhill from here. i have calculated that i will need to start my own business if i wanna make any kind of money to be able to afford the life i want. when im too old to enjoy it the way i want to].

i have a problem with the people who work the hardest, study the hardest getting taxed the hardest.

wtf?

with power comes responsibility, they say. someone needs to enlighten SAs leaders.

they are spending more money and energy on NAME CHANGES than the critical issues [ie, poverty, AIDS, escalating medical costs, unemployment]. parliament is a joke. grown-up assed people fighting like pre-schoolers. yelling, screaming, attacking each other. and to what end?

my highschool was on the news this evening. people protesting in front of the school. they scream racism. the reason: the school plans to change its teaching medium back to afrikaans, as it has been for decades. why are the parents protesting in the streets and not going to PTA meetings? because they are UNINVOLVED in their children’s lives and you will never see them at a parents’ nights or meetings. yet, they yell the loudest, like toddlers having tantrums, when they find out things arent going the way they want it. [i believe the school is within its rights. an english highschool was built for the english kids. but, they wanna go to the afrikaans school. but, they want to change the afrikaans school to something else. IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

WHY NOT BUILD THEIR OWN, instead of cocking up an established school???

*sigh*

politics peeves me.

holier-than-thou sanctimonious hypocrites. [forgive my generalising. im in a dark place emotionally.]

the jester chokes on her post-binge vomit.

...

[ed’s note: um, i dont drink [alcohol] ... its a sort of metaphor, you see. after the media forced all this bile down my throat, i got nauseous with the experience, and regurgitated what you see before you now. its a gross acidic mess of odds and ends. i apologize for the disarray / lack of flow. it had to come out, one way or another.]

Mike tagged me

2006-10-06T11:46:00.000+02:00

so, here are some random facts about me... dunno if il get to 20, im not that interesting.

1. i enjoy rock and alternative music. and a smidgeon of metal.

2. i was born in Belville, Cape Town, 10 April 1983, also at 08h10. i believe it was a sunday morning... i could be wrong. I got pushed out, the natural way.

3. even tho i bitch a lot, my life is actually quite good and i have a lot to be grateful for.

4. i earned my BCom in accounting at Potch varsity 2003, altho i did my 1st year at RAU in Joburg, and i got my HONS at Potch too. now, im studying via UNISA to get CTA. [exams start in T minus 4 days]

5. my boyfriend studies at stel, but lives in Jbay. We have been in a relationship for 4 years. all of them long distance. [we were at the same high school for 3 years, and if we had 2 conversations during that time, itd be a lot]

6. i have very few friends. i define a friend as someone you can hang out with and depend on and enjoy being with.

7. i own my very own little car. its silver. its a corsa. im paying it off over 4 years. so far, ive pretty much only paid the interest. 2,5 more years to go.

8. i enjoy drawing, painting, writing, reading and PC games [mostly RTS and RPG] and some anime.

9. i have a shitty pc at home.

10. im a short person... bordering on being a hobbitses. [1,55m]

11. i have one sibling, a younger brother who is MUCH cooler than i am. he plays guitar and introduced me to my current boyfriend. He got married this year and lives in Pretoria.

12. im bored most of the time.

13. i recently started gyming. [as in, monday] and i enjoy it, which came as a major surprise to me.

14. i hate my job. [trainee accountant, 2nd year articles]

15. if i dont pass my exam, my senior manager said they are gonna fire me at the end of this year. no pressure.

16. sarcasm is my friend.

17. i have read 90% of Stephen King's books.

18. im growing my hair till i get married. (if il ever get married) right now, it covers my chest. studies show that girls with long hair look more attractive to guys, coz it exudes youth and virility. apparently.

19. im a girl.

20. i wanna travel the world, but dont have the self-discipline to save sum munny to do so.

thanks for the tag, Mike! i dont have much to say these days. studying is kicking my ass. *^_^*

a sprinkle of this and that

2006-09-15T13:25:00.000+02:00

i have returned.

back in the habbit. heh heh.

now starts the routine of studious studying all the time. i will eat, sleep and dream studying. this is it.

3 more weeks till the exams start. 3 weeks of preparation. 3 is the magical number. coz, the 3rd time's the charm, and i need all the luck and charm that i can get!

cross them fingers. say a prayer. whatever it takes.

this is me -- going for the throat. pitbull style.

*gyaaaaarrrrrgggggghhhhhhh!!!!*

babble babble btch btch

2006-08-29T16:37:00.000+02:00

the pro in this con

the upside to this questionably gainful employment, is the benefits. they are few and far between, but at least there are a few.

study leave. beautiful thing. i will get to stay home for a month and still get paid, while i study for and write my exams. i thought after varsity, the studying is over. HA. little did i know the qualifications and other crap keeps going on long into the working thing.

*excuse the digression*

another kewl benefit: overtime leave. i will take another month off because of the overtime i managed to collect since the beginning of the year. it is not worth the effort to take the munny instead of the off days. so, i have just under 2 months off for study leave. my exams start on the 11th of october. ends on the 23rd.

in this “profession” the munny is okay. so, im gonna take 1 week of my overtime leave and im gonna spend it with the love of my life. in the beautiful cape. its a 2 hour flight. and a 3,5 hour drive to the airport. funny that.

4 more slapies...

v 3.1

2006-08-24T08:06:00.000+02:00

it occurred to me today that there is not one single thing i like about my job. not one thing. not one aspect. there is no joy or satisfaction for me in what i do. having to go to work fills me with the utmost dread. daily. i lead a life of listlessness.

i realized that, at my job, 80% of the time, we, the worker ants, are belittled. our self esteem is wiped out and we are made to feel like the dumbest creatures on earth.

“how do they do this?”, you ask. simple. they set unrealistic budgets [ie, time you have per project] and freak out on you when you do not meet these deadlines. this is supposed to be a “training” contract. by proxy, everything i do, i do for the first time. therefore, i dont know what im doing half the time. then i get yelled at for not being done in time. there is zero support, coz everybody’s too busy with their own unrealistic deadlines. vicious cycle.

so, result? we are expected to complete the work in our own time, at no remuneration. ie, free overtime. coz, free overtime equals a happy big boss. they are the ones sharing in the profit and that have the stock options after all. less staff and more work, equals more distributable income for the big boys. and that, ladies and gents, is the bottom line.

it boggles my mind to think how little self worth i have. i did a couple IQ tests. average: 133. i was #1 academic in primary school. #1 in the SCHOOL. smartest kid. i was top 5% in high school. i went to 6 different schools in the 12 years i went to school. [we moved a lot] i got 2 degrees, first time round. no flunkings. BCom in chartered accountancy. Hons in Financial accounting. we started out in my first year, 1500 students. by 3rd year, we were 180. in my honours year, we were 85. not easy feats.

and yet, i spend most of my time feeling worthless.

stupid.

sadly, to my dismay, i have realised a couple other things too. tho, my grasp of languages is pretty good, better than most, really. i will never be a writer or have a future in journo-ism. im okay, but im not GREAT. i could never write like arc or ej or niel or any of the other journos. il never be a great photographer, my pics always come out skew. and altho i love nothing better in this world than to draw and paint, im not great at it. il never be able to do anything like debaser’s. so, altho i hate my current job. i have no idea what else i could possibly support myself on. life is expensive, kiddies. its a capitalist corporate jungle out there.

i have a year and a half left in this place. and, it looks like im gonna spend the last half of it, as i have the first, as a number. so, just call me 831. or 3.1 for short.

after all, its the number they branded me with, when i first walked in the door.

Flying Spaghetti Monsterism

2006-08-22T09:38:00.000+02:00

I agree with this .

its sad, coz its true

2006-08-22T08:18:00.000+02:00

I Am An Auditor (Standard Template)

this isnt funny, because it is true
To Whom it may concern:

* I am an auditor (but I'm not bitter).
* I don't carry a calculator at all times, but I can use it without looking at the numbers.
* I get psyched for business casual.
* I carry a laptop, not because I think it's cool, but because I have to.
It's certainly not cool when you have to carry it across town in the middle of the summer...along with two other bags and a box of workpapers.
* I have lots of paper cuts...not from regular paper, but ones that hurt from pockets and folders.
* I have a desk, and I have a phone, but Im never at either of them.
* I work with people everyday, but everyone thinks I have no social skills. They fail to realize that after talking to incompetent people throughout the day, the last thing I want to do is talk to anyone!
* I dream about financial statement presentation and proper timing of accruals.
* I spend significant amounts of time waiting for others to do their job; and when they're done, it's still not right, even though they've been doing it for 10 years.
* I know GAAP is crap...but it's the best thing we've got.
* By God, if you ask me one more question about how to do your taxes, I might just rip your head off!!!!
* I work overtime six months out of the year, and then get told to watch how much time I spend on my work. Then, I try not to spend too much time on my work, only to get told my bonus is based on overtime. Oh wait, we don't get bonuses!
* I have an apartment, but it's really just a place to store my clothes and old workpapers that the garbage men won't even take.
* I can cook, but I can't remember the last time I came home and wanted to.
* I'm just a person who went to school for way too long, who is overworked, and underpaid, who gets no respect for my work, and has finally realized that my entire career is based on providing information no one understands, to people who couldn't care less.
* I've been promoted six times in the last two years, not because I'm competent but because all the competent people had the smarts to leave.

movie mania

2006-08-15T14:37:00.000+02:00

arcadia made me do it!

top 5 movies i can quote entirely (from beginning to end)

[yes, i am a sad individual]

[based on frequency watched, i suppose]

1) Robin Hood – Men in Tights [brought to us by Mr. Mel Brooks]

[il put the pic in when blogger feels like cooperating again!]

“These aren’t MY bubbles! They’re from the pipes!”

2) William Shakespeare’s Romeo + Juliet [the one with Leo + Claire Danes in it]

“Do you bite your thumb at us, Sir?”

3) The Craft [Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell, Rachel True, Skeet Ulrich]

“Hail to the guardians of the watchtower of the North...”

4) Demon Knight [Billy Zane, Bill Sadler, Jada Pinkett Smith, Brenda Bakke, CCH Pounder]

“If it makes ya feel good, do it!”

5) From Dusk till Dawn

[Director: Robert Rodriguez
Main Cast: George Clooney, Harvey Keitel, Quentin Tarantino, Juliette Lewis, Cheech Marin]

“I didnt say do what I do, I said do what I say.”

lyrics and melodies

2006-08-15T08:36:00.000+02:00

here is another TOP 5 post,

once again, inspired by arcadia

in no particular order -- here are the songs i love the best - *ever*

-- they have stayed with me the longest --

-- i love them for different reasons --

-- they represent different stages in my life --

*) Don't speak -- by No doubt

*) Nancy Boy -- by Placebo

*) Tourniquette -- by Marilyn Manson

*) Blind -- by KoRn

*) Uninvited -- by Alanis

-- i have tons more favourites --

-- but there can be only one TOP 5 list --

drenched in dreamland's psychosis

2006-08-14T15:03:00.000+02:00

dream job?

i think i dont mind working for a boss. some people have a problem with this. i dont, really. i dont think i want the responsibility that goes with being in control.

i dont wanna get up every morning and dread the coming day. i dont wanna not wanna go to bed coz, id have to get up in the morning and go to work. i wanna wanna go to work. get some sort of enjoyment out of it.

i wanna get paid well enough so i dont have to be an insomniac about my debt. i wanna do what i wanna do when i wanna do it. i wanna be comfortable.

WANT – WANT – WANT

where do i apply for trust fund babyship?

it’s too late, innit?

likeness of a hated person [effigy n.]

trickle intrepid traitorous trinity trilogy transitory titillation

insidiously savoury salivating ... for an unknown future... towards an unknown goal.

*makes me feel like im a whore -- of "corporate" denomination*

like helpless kittens to the slaughter.

TOP 5 TEARS

2006-08-14T13:21:00.000+02:00

inspired by arcadia

MY TOP 5 TEAR STAINED PILLOW MOMENTS:

1. at the end of std. 5, my 1st ever boyfriend moved away. i cried for 2 weeks. i was at disneyland. and i was crying... it was horrible. we had to break up. we had been together for 6 months. it had been great. got my 1st kiss from him. to this day, i never saw him again. he called for a while after moving. but, that dissipated. and stopped eventually.

2. me and p@ . indiscretions. mistakes. and stupidity. then bitter regret.

3. hmm... every time p@ broke up with me... its the distance. good grief. i cried till i thought my head would explode with agony, till my eyes were dried out.. till i couldnt see or think or do anything.

*i think 3 is enough*

ive cried from loneliness. depression. and feeling inferior.

not very interesting, i know. but, it happens.

i don't cry much. but, when i do, it's soul-wrenching, heart-breaking, mind-shattering agony.