i knoW why the caged bIrd siNGS

i had a great dream this morning.

i was being chased by vampires, got saved by my now hated ex-companion. insert amazing gratuitous sex scene here. the man was a sexual playground.

**

i don’t presume to know what is going on in this man’s mind. i do not fool myself into thinking it was more than what it was. i know it’s all over now. i know it’s over.

now, however, i’m starting to feel hurt. i’m starting to feel discarded. i feel… sad. i feel like i could’ve done things differently, handled it differently. i feel a great loss. there was so much possibility. not for anything serious, i know. but, i mean, something nonetheless. why am i always the only one mourning the possibilities??

it’s always me, always alone.

i will never be clean. no matter how long my nightly bathing rituals are. it will never be the same again. except maybe in my dreams… for in my dreams, the possibilities are endless and i shape and mould everything. reality is the fabric for my creations.

what will take the pain away? i need someone who will keep me safe, keep me sane.

my gullibility, faith and innocent nature is always getting me into trouble. i don’t know what is to be done about this. am i supposed to change? is the world supposed to change? is this my fault? am i to blame? will i never learn?

who wants to live in a world of distrust? surely not i. cold, desolate and lonely it would be. there would be no joy, only the lifeless grey emptiness. when will i laugh again? when will i enjoy myself? how long do i have to wait for everything to be perfect? … elusive Perfection.

I know why the caged bird sings.

there is always a bottom line. and here it is: only I can supply me with happiness and sanity. no one will ever understand me the way I want to be understood. no one will ever come and save me, in the way I want to be saved. this is not the world’s fault. this is my … responsibility. the cross we all have to bear. the deeper Truth we are all searching for. it has eluded me for countless aeons. no more.

No more.

so, no, sir. i am not hurting. i will never victimise myself. i am stronger than that. i always was. i just needed a reminder. i remember the good times. i always remember the good times. i remember that once, i felt good. i remember the possibilities.

never the negative. for, the negative will draw one down to the decayed pits of self-doubt. there is more to life than being depressed.

remember the good. all ways. always.