fractured digression
at the root of all evil, lies boredom.
*dare you to prove me inaccurate*
allow me to tell you more of my hopes and dreams. [where else could i possibly vent, if not here?]
the problem is, unlike [seemingly] most people, i never had a leaning towards any profession in particular during my innocent years... i have grown since then, but i find myself to be equally lost.
*raid the area for the lost and found!*
..dont they call that purgatory..?
i dont know why i feel drawn to the morbid things in life... *hahaahahahaha* *ahem* as i was saying, i am drawn to the death of life... it’s all a rather enticing thought. in all probability, because it is secret, unknown, an enigma. no one really knows what lies beyond. speculate all you want, no one knows for sure.
*why does “enigma” always conjure echoes of “enema”?? shitty accoustics*
much of my time has been consumed with the contemplation of this... natural progression of things. in the end, my observations leave me ... feeling cheated.
the ultimate solution? surely, it’s obvious! SUICIDE! nothing like finding out for one’s self; what lies beyond the dusk of life...
have you met my eternal lover and confidant? uncountable hours we have spent pondering the mysteries of the galaxy... nothing like a kindred spirit to make time melt into forever. leaving one to wonder whether time truly is a linear concept.
leaves my mind feeling raped... but always coming back for more...
posted by AristoNeeks | 3:19 pm
I feel similar to you, maybe because I am in the same situation with regard to career. Maybe people who just KNOW they want to be doctors/lawyers etc, have less of a struggle with meaning and purpose.
I can think of vague random 'dream jobs,' none of which I can really just study for and get. (eg 'I'd like to work in the music industry,' but what does that actually mean?)
I also think about suicide all the time, uncontrollably.
My aunt asked me what it is that motivates me, and I couldn't really answer her and have been thinking about that ever since.
What motivates you?
i've felt this way all my life. we also moved a lot when i was younger, so i was always alone.. im painfully shy.. so, it didnt help that i felt "out" with the other kids.. i always envied the ones with clear dreams and purpose..
anyway.
i also have random (unattainable) dream jobs.. i practically live in a dream world. (dreading the day i have to wake up) ...
i guess i COULD do these things.. but, unfortunately, i lack ...
MOTIVATION.
id get started.. learning something new.. and id be bored with it within a week or 2..
maybe i lack the talent and tenacity.. i dunno.. i defnitly lack the self-esteem.. never feel good enough..
i dont know where this negativity comes from..
do you have hobbies? i draw and paint.. its a great stress reliever and the only thing i can really DO without ever getting tired with it..
I haven't really drawn much since school but my aunt has been encouraging me to draw. (On fact she's been ordering me to draw.) I drew a pear. I did enjoy it! And then I ate the pear, which I enjoyed just as much.
well, kirst..
if you have to be ORDERED to draw.. i dont think its something you wanna do for FUN.. :1
i think if your dream gets shattered, dear noir orchid, you modify the dream..
I love that picture you have there! Terry Pratchett is my favourite author.
Hmmmm. I don't know what to say about your post. Just stick it out, I guess. My motivation is my independence, and at the same time, going home is what keeps me going.
I keep thinking 'come on, just a year and a half to go, then I can go live in an exciting place overseas'. In the short term: 'Three weeks until I go home and I get to see my pets!' :)
As humans, we are perfect
in our imperfection.
Do not judge yourself too harshly,
the people that seem to know where they are and what their doing
are usually the most screwed up.
Your young, now is the time to experiment and try new things.
I drastically changed my career after 25 years at the same thing,
and lived through the change...
Relax babe,
good prose.
hey neko. left some questions for you on my blog if you feel like answering them.
mike..
i love pratchett too. fave would be a toss up between mort and reaper man. :D death kicks ass.
polyman..
you flatter me.. *blush* i think a career change for me is imminent. who knows..
arcadia..
sounds like fun.. im there..
I pity those who know who they are and knew what they were going to do with the rest of their lives from the tender young age of 20.
Suicide as an escape - detestable!
j..
how else to reveal the mysteries of the after-life, if one does not extinguish ones life?
suicide is not and can never be an escape.. [depending on your religious perception, of course!]