hoPes and dreAms are moRTal enemieS

i am tormented.

actively i detest this tragic existence. my recurring theme. all the could-have-beens assault my wasted mind. they rot inside me. tyrannical in their approach. beating me senseless. daily.

what could have been:

dear me

am i a writer? could i have been? does the eloquence flow from my fingertips with fickle, yet furtive abandon? was there a future there for me? a career? reporting on the wasteful repeated futility of the exciting lives of others? writing of another drowning, another murder, more large-scale madness? would i have been happy?

am i a painter? would i have excelled at drawing? have my passions been misspent? were there opportunities for me? in animation? in cartooning? do i have good ideas? are my talents trampled in my myopic state? blind to the endless possibilities? would it have fulfilled me?

am i a care giver? was medicine the way to go? would i have relished in walking the corridors of healthcare, dark yet rewarding? would i have come home with a feeling of serene accomplishment? would the crisp white coat have covered my insecurities half as well as i would have needed it to? would i have been complete?

i chose my current path. and,with tortured tenacity, in that decision, i can blame or praise only myself. i cannot know how different my life, for the better or worse, would have been, had i chosen differently. dam elusive wisdom.

do not cry for me. for, i love you. more than you could know.

im just a sad song. disregard me when the melody fades and the last note dies away.

the floODgates burst; a soggy surgE

i have disappeared.

i live my life – this un-life – alone.

forever. it’s only as long as i will lead you to believe. and an eternity in pain and anguish leads to nowhere. certainly.

you can’t hurt me anymore.

ive reached the precipice. no returning now. my grave lunges at me. your feeble attempt at sacrificing / saving yourself. i am delinquent. my disarrayed thoughts flutter helplessly to incinerate instantly on the furnace of my hopeless future.

my future is a mystery, shrouded in my deepest darkest fears.

i may not be a perfect person. but, i have feelings. simple-minded. bury me. a watery grave for me. i drown in my own self-pity. there is no empathy for one such as i. ample opportunity for agonising gasping.

i plod plotless into melancholy.

join me.

i dont wanna do this alone anymore. i dont wanna be alone anymore. pity me. i reach out. i seek. i am utterly alone.

please cherish me?

NOTE: Out of Office

Hi, everyone...

it's not that im anti-social or anything [altho, strictly speaking i am, in reality], im away from the office for the next, ohhh, id say 3 months... away on assignment, then study leave for BOARD EXAM. and, away from the office means away from the great network...

soooo, il be bloggin' more and chattin more when i get back! I havent forgotten anyone! just, not there to blog. which SUX.

untill later then, and wish me luck!!!

Resolute in revolution

Tis that time of the year again: time to make some resolutions, set some goals, i suppose.

And herewith are some things id like to improve upon regarding myself...

Neko's Resolutions 2007:

1. READ More - I wanna read 10 books this year, at LEAST, one being German.
2. APPEARANCE - Im gonna put more effort into what i look like every day, ie, hair and clothes.
3. POSTURE - I will stand / sit up straight, to avoid quasimodo-ism.
4. ExERCISE - I will join the gym [again] this year, and go often.
5. EAT RITE - More fruit, veggies and water!!!

That ought to do it for now.

Here's to the year of action: 007