a darker shade of noir

hi there

to whom it may concern, or not.

i will be absent from cyberspace for the next couple days. I am receiving the results of a rather important test on Friday, and i will be writing part 1 of 2 of a rather important test on Saturday.

Do what you must to wish me luck and logical thinking.

I will be buried nose-deep in my books for the next couple days in preparation for the day long exam on Saturday. **sigh**

It never ends. But, progress is always a motivational factor.

maxim of the times

friends and neighbours!

i find it difficult to write/type up anything decent when im happy. but, to those of you interested, today, i am happy. and, indeed, for the rest of the week and the 2 that follow, i will be happy. in this daze of blissful euphoria, i will remain.

happiness may very well be transient and come from within, but, ... i dunno. sometimes it can be caused by an external source, as in my case.

there is something to be said for human touch. hugging often. feeling loved.

there is something to be said for sharing thoughts and being held.

happiness is a drug. and i am addicted.

ps -- if anyone knows how a "feed" works, i wish to learn about/use it in my daily blogging. its supposed to be an alerting sort of thing --> lets you know when certain web pages are updated. please help me... im... fragile.

Living eulogy

I believe it was mr jim morrison who said it best: this is the end.

I find myself in familiar territory.

How can I love when I do not love myself? Who would love me, if I find myself repulsive?

What’s the point to it all in the end, if nothing I do is good enough, or of significance in any way?

What have I learned?

Happiness is measured by the number of friends you have, not money or prestige, or body shape, or any other material nonsense, despite what the ad companies tell you.

No matter how hard I try, the fact of the matter is, I will never be good enough. I do not have the talent. I lack the willpower. I am tired of trying to be what I’m not.

Turns out, living for others did not work out for me. Living by the choices of others has led me into a trap of humiliation and despair. Misery and angst.

To stand up for myself, for the first time, I will make a choice.

I choose death.

Time to trip the light fantastic. Time to plummet off the ole mortal coil. Time to take my mediocrity to another level.

Here’s to coming back as a playmate.

Thanks to all of those who read my thoughts and commented. Much appreciated. [that means you, morb]. And the rest of you, you’re too late, show’s over.

Do not weep for me, I have shed tears enough in my existence. But, Rejoice in my final act of taking possession of my life.

This is the end.

from fred nietzsche

This is really all about me..

4 Errors by Fred Nietzsche

1. The Error of Confusing Cause and Effect.

Example: Live a long and happy life eating the frugal Cornaro diet!

Error: Cornaro thought that his diet was the cause ofhis long life. Actually, his particular physical constitution was the cause of his long life *and* his frugal diet. Others eating this diet might not fare so well! But this erroneous reasoning applies equally well to questions of religion and morality: think ofthe popular contention among the religious that if people were not religious, they would have no reason to act morally -- as if moral codes were the cause of morality.

2. The Error of False Causality.

Example: I am the cause of my thoughts/behaviors. I attribute motives to others as the reasons they act as they do.

Error: The ego is a phantom, called up by reason to account for what occurs -- to make the accounting workout. We created the world of inner causality, will,and motives as players in a story which makes sense,and which works in the most important functional sense as a tool whereby we interact successfully with others... but this is no proof that it is so.

3. The Error of Imaginary Causes.

Example: When just waking up from a dream, a noise will often get incorporated into the dream. A loud bang becomes something that you dropped in your dream,for example.

Error: Your psyche must have caught the sound and held onto it until it could incorporate it into the story of your dream -- until it could make sense of it. But we do this when waking, too. We often make up causes(stories) for what we must incorporate into the story of our lives. Religion could be thought of as part of this impulse to make sense of things. Think of the explanations of why bad things happen to good people.

4. The Error of Free Will.

Example: You committed this crime, therefore you must pay because you could have done otherwise. You didn't have to be a criminal.

Error: Free will is the apologia of the psychology of punishment. We believe you to be free in order to hold you guilty. This ignores the actual complexities of life and each person's inner complexity. It makes possible Sin and Hell, and thereby Forgiveness and Heaven.

just a random observation

it has come to my limited attention that the blogses i used to frequent have, for the most part - died.

the culprit?

Facebook.

DAMM you, Facebook!!

i wish i had access.

Juxtaposition

Today, I will talk about joy.

You may even say, that I wish to wax lyrical about it. Ha ha. Anyway.

Joy is when I see the one person I love most in the world. Especially, when it has been many months since I last saw said person.

This is shit.

It has just come to my attention that I need some chocolate. It may even lighten my mood. Who knows.

So, today, I went to the local traffic department. I had to get my drivers’ license renewed. (It expired last week).

Although we could not be more than 15 people in the queue when I got there, I spent 3,5 hours waiting and queuing. It was not a fun morning.

Not only are there zero instructions and surly government officials, but, seating is limited and the costs are extremely high.

I mean, where is my R250 going? And R20 for 2 mini id photos? (Keeping in mind that they only used one, but sell them in 2s. you’re also not allowed to get ID photo’s from anyone but them. Can you say “rip-off”?)

On the upside, I met some kewl individuals. It’s amazing who you may find yourself queuing with and the conversations that may spring from these chance meetings.

I met a primary school teacher and a nurse. They had some interesting views on life, love and everything in-between.

It is a strange phenomenon how one shares hopes and dreams with random strangers at times.

They had some good advice. Care to hear it? (well, read it)

The best piece of advice I got today, is that – I’m not getting any younger. What I regret now, I’ll regret forever. Therefore, I should do what I want to while I still can. I don’t want to regret not doing what I wanted to when it’s all over…

So. What to do then?

I’ve identified, (with the help of my loving lover) what exactly it is I want in the perfect job for me. More or less the following:

• I want to be able to work flexi-hours.
• I want to be able to work in a pair of jeans and my DCs.
• I don’t want to have to report to an asshole boss.
• I wanna have job satisfaction – like I achieved something, or helped someone.
• I want recognition for a job well done.
• I want to receive a market-related salary – enough to be comfortable.
• I wanna be creative in my job.
  
  Yeah – that’s about it.
  
  The trick would now be to match a job to this.
  
  Oh, and I enjoy drawing.