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Friday, October 19, 2007

The meaning of Torment and Agony

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posted by AristoNeeks | 7:47 am

16 Comments:

Blogger morbidneko said...

He doesn't love me. He hasn't loved me for the past year.

I can't believe it.

I saw him 2 weeks ago, and he loved me just fine then.

I haven't eaten or slept since he told me.

He loved me and missed me and couldn't wait to see me right up to the day he told me he didn't love me. I should have seen it, he says. Apparently. I've wracked my brain, I didn't see it.

Why do thoughts of suicide only come at 2 and 3 in the morning?

It will be either pills or blades. All I need is a bathtub or a bed.

I spent about 15 grand on him during the year he didn't love me. Not loving me didn't make him say no. Not loving me didn't make him tell me face to face. There was just a phone call, then nothing.

Tuesday: "I love you, babe. I miss you. I can't wait to see you again and hold you."

Wednesday: "I don't love you. It's over. Cry all you want, it won't help." And he switches his phone off.

I haven't stopped crying since. I haven't slept or eaten since. I have been nauseous ever since. I am set to move to his town in 7 weeks. Everything is planned. Everything is organised. All that was left was for time to run out.. Till we could finally explore having a day to day relationship. To see where that would take us. My dream finally to come to fruition.

He wants me to forget about him. "Move on."

Move on to WHAT exactly??

He doesn't love me?

I don't understand.

And he won't tell me.

And, no, it isn't someone else. And it's not something I did.

I have just been fooled, very well fooled for a year. Did everyone see this but me?

A YEAR!

A whole year?

I never suspected a thing. I'm still unbelieving. I can't believe it. It can't be. He looked into my eyes 2 weeks ago, and I saw love there. Was it fake? Did I project it? We lay there intertwined, and it was perfect. Why now?

Why now?

I don't understand. And I want my boyfriend back. I don't know this callous asshole that has replaced him and is switching his phone off to me. Who won't even offer an explanation. Who didn't even have the balls to tell me face to face.

But, aparently, I should've known.

But, I didn't.

Am I the only one suffering here? I don't understand what I did to deserve this treatment. I've cried till I couldnt cry anymore. I've sobbed, that my whole body shook. I've been shaking since he left me, just like that. He doesn't seem upset. He is hanging out with his friends just fine. I'm the only one he won't talk to.

And I don't understand.

Up till the second he left me, we were making plans together. Plans for the future. He was giving inputs.

I've loved this man for 5 years. I have known him for 10. I do not know this stranger who is shattering my heart and stomping on the ragged pieces. My best friend has died. I don't understand. The distance was finally going to end.

How can he not love me?

After everything we've done with and said to each other?

This can't be happening.

"It's done. We are over. Stop this. I don't love you."

Nothing I do matters anymore.

I have no future.

But.. he belongs to me..

He used to love me. I have the recent emails, sms's, chat histories, video clips to prove it. It was in his eyes.

He has to love me.

8:12 am  
Blogger morbid misanthrope said...

You'll get over it. Life is stupid sometimes, but it's not the end of the world. Fuck that guy. Don't rely on anyone else for happiness. Just do what you want. You can't trust other people for a damn thing. Trust in yourself, and forget everyone else.

8:57 am  
Blogger eric1313 said...

Morb is totally right.

You have to see value in your life, another person does not complete someone else. It may feel like it, but it is not so.

You will find more love in this world. It is there for you. There are plenty of men being tormented by unworthy females out there who also need to wake up.

Don't find a bitter one, just one with enough scars that you know he knows what pain is, and he won't inflict it on you.

I cannot explain what it is that makes people speak convincing untruths, or what makes their hearts turn one-eighties. It happens to all of us.

I had a great love.

Somkething, someone who was meant to be. I saw it in her eyes, and she saw it in mine.

She will have nothing to do with me now. I could hang myself from my balcony, slit my throat in a hot shower, find a gun for sale on the streets for very cheap and spray brain matter everywhere.

NO!

She, no matter how much I love her or always will, is not worth it. I love her.

I do.

I can let her go. That's real love. Anything less of me would be selfish infatuation.

Not saying your love is not real. It took me a while to realize that truth. The only thing kept me alive was the desire not to drive my mom insane knowing her oldest son rejected what she gave to him.

And I'm glad I pulled through. She might have been upset that I offed myself, but she's the type that would get over it.

I say I love her.

I can let her go.

I have.

Please, let your love be true and let it go. You will find somebody worthy of deep and passionate and sensitive thoughts like you have wrapped in your very nature.

Peace and love, girl.

Take care.

9:34 am  
Blogger AristoNeeks said...

thanks, morb.

thanks, eric.

i feel like i will never recover.

if i offed myself, i doubt he'd care. i doesnt care enough to be upset. he doesnt care enough to talk to me.

i have a million questions.

and a dead telephone line.

12:51 pm  
Blogger eric1313 said...

You know I've been there. That phone I spoke of I still dead to me and always will be.

I fear the blade that severed that line is in my hands, but I can't beat myself up forever over it.

Stick around in this world. You have value, Neko. To us you do.

9:37 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

How dare you speak about "offing yourself"?! Please don't ever consider such a selfish thing, when there are people out there like me - who has never even met you, and possibly never will - to whom you have so much value, on whom you have made such an impact... I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and nothing but sympathy and love in my heart for you. I know that it looks bad, and you probably feel like your life is worth so very little at this moment, but you will live, God damn it! Do you hear me? If you've ever taken any piece of advice this anonymous poster has typed into your comment box, it is this: allow yourself to feel the pain, because that is the fastest way to recovery - embrace it. But do not, I repeat, do NOT let it get to you and change who you are, because then that slimy cocksucker has won, and no-one, I repeat, NO-ONE should be allowed to have that much power and influence over another person.

You are in the middle of it now; it's a blunt trauma to the soul, like a death. There is no way that you can think about it rationally. And people who cut off communication are also not rational - do not try to contact him. Do not try to analyze the "whys" and "how-could-yous" right now - whatever you are thinking is incorrect. But whatever you are feeling is real. Do not deny it.

Don't be fooled when that inconsiderate fuck tells you that any kind of past affection was insincere. I guarantee that it wasn't.

All I can offer you are these words, a digital shoulder, and my prayers. Please take them to heart. You are not alone.

Saying that you "have no future" and that nothing you do "matters anymore" is just insecure nonsense, and I don't believe that for one second. Of course you have a future. If you just open your eyes and look, you'll see that each day, each moment is filled with choices and opportunities. That, my friend, is how the future presents itself. Embracing it requires some action on your behalf. But you are in no state to think about that right now.

My last piece of advice is this: close your door, draw your curtains, and cry. Don't eat, over-eat, whatever. The important thing is to feel and not to think. When this dark week of the soul is over, put on a bright new dress (or at least some clean pants). And realize that only you are responsible for your own happiness. No outside thing, concept, posession, lover, mother, child or bank statement can ever do that for you. And go outside.

1:56 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

why don't you kill him?

9:39 pm  
Blogger morbidneko said...

eric and eoh,

thank you for your comments. i have been reading and re-reading them in my darkest hours.

at least someone finds me of some use.

at least.

anon,
i love him. i don't want to kill him. i want him to love me. and snap out of it. and have us go back to the way things were, or better.

i dont know what is going to happen to me now.

this is a very difficult time for me. but, change is never easy.

just getting to wrap my brain around this has been... impoossible.

i won't believe it till i see it with my own eyes.

3:55 pm  
Blogger Unknown said...

You are most welcome. I see a sliver of rationality coming through, at last. Now I know you are going to be just fine.

4:49 pm  
Blogger morbidneko said...

i dont know about that, but, im trying.

he wants to be friends, aparently.

friends?

i dont know.

to me, nothing has changed in the love i feel for him.

all i feel now is pain and anguish, but i force congeniality so he will talk to me.

we ignore the issues, talk pleasantries. and every word is a stab through my heart. and every time there is no "i love you" where there used to be last week, it is a twist of the dagger through my back, into my heart.

if i had known 3 weeks ago what i know now, i wouldve held him closer. i would have never left the flat. i would have... i dont know.

the last visit was perfect. i dont know where it all went wrong.

we walked hand in hand. we kissed and cuddled. we giggled and talked and missed each other. we did little things for each other. i dont understand any of it.

and i cant accept it.

8:17 am  
Blogger eric1313 said...

Neko, you were indeed an inspiration for that. Of course, I had to dig eep and remeber the times I could have used such wisdom, but I had heartbreak on my mind, and yours was very fresh and telling and I had to get something good out into print.

You have a lot to give. We wouldn't bother with a lost cause. Don't break our hearts.

And I of course Have another one up at my place. It's a good wise one--and if you must know, the one up right now is about my writing prof who I used to have a major crush on. Shhh! She's that wise woman of infinite grace. Double Shhh!

Take care, friend.

12:30 pm  
Blogger morbidneko said...

eric, may i call you "eric"?

i'm sort of in the thick of it now. and my heart aches. and skips a beat. and pounds. all day.

im messed up and grieving, and hoping and broken.

im disbelieving. and psychotic. and in denial.

i just need to get away.

today - i got an email from a recruitment agency in the town i was gonna move to. he had gone with me to see them. they want to know if im still interested in moving there.

there where he is.

am i?

im setting myself up for more heartache.

i know it.

im blind, but all seeing, but in denial. i dont want to see. i dont want to feel. i want to be ignorant of this, coz ignorance is bliss.

i shouldve seen, i shouldve known. i didnt. and i still dont want to know.

am i wrong?

im not dealing. im stagnating.

stil unbelieving..

1 day everything, the next day nothing.

4:28 pm  
Blogger eric1313 said...

You can call me eric, no problem.

If you accept the position, it will, no matter what, lead to unexpected change, and change is good and exactly what you need.

1 day you will have everything again. You will have more than you lost.

The day will come when you will wonder why you got so upset over this bufoon. He broke your heart, but do not let him ruin your life. I say, if the recruiters are offering you something that will lead to personal gain and betterment, do it.

I can't tell you to forget this guy, that's impossible, I know. But one day, you will--or at least, you will forget him enough that the pain will fade to an eerie echo.

Change is what you need; that, and pick up the peices of your heart and put them together again, as best you can, in however much time it takes yu to do so.

You are an intelligent young woman. Do not let some guy, even one you loved, hurt your life any more than he has.

I have faith in you, Neko/MorbidNeko. You are more than capable of recovering.

Stagnation only happens when you let it. The best way to deal is to move on. Find out what they have to offer you, and if it is good take it. You may be closer to him, but you may find something to help you forget him.

Hang in there.

10:57 am  
Blogger morbidneko said...

eric, i owe you much of my feeling better.

thanks for the words. i cant tell you how much they mean to me.

im resourceful and good at scheming, im starting to think i may be fine in the long run.

it's just.. sad that it had to end like this.

regardless.

i have 2 possible job options, im gonna go where i get the best package. if they dont turn out the way i was hoping, i can always stay here for another year. or, move to the city.

there is always hope.

even if that is all i have.

2:52 pm  
Blogger eric1313 said...

Right on, Neko. I'm so glad to hear you feeling better.

And yes, take the best offer standing. And post again sometime soon. Even if it's an upset/morose/cryptic writing, it's still expression of emotion. When you see it on the page, sometimes that helps you get ideas about what to do, or at least will move you closer to wanting to exorcise the feeling.

And I have been exactly there, where hope is all you have.

Take care, Neko. Peace out.

Run with it.

10:25 am  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

neeko, write a novel.

http://www.nanowrimo.org/

7:27 am  

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