Update

just so i'm clear:

i still hate my job.

i canit wait to be out of this miserable little town.

i can't wait to be done.

i've been done.

T minus 5 weeks to freedom.

Juxtaposition

Today, I will talk about joy.

You may even say, that I wish to wax lyrical about it. Ha ha. Anyway.

Joy is when I see the one person I love most in the world. Especially, when it has been many months since I last saw said person.

This is shit.

It has just come to my attention that I need some chocolate. It may even lighten my mood. Who knows.

So, today, I went to the local traffic department. I had to get my drivers’ license renewed. (It expired last week).

Although we could not be more than 15 people in the queue when I got there, I spent 3,5 hours waiting and queuing. It was not a fun morning.

Not only are there zero instructions and surly government officials, but, seating is limited and the costs are extremely high.

I mean, where is my R250 going? And R20 for 2 mini id photos? (Keeping in mind that they only used one, but sell them in 2s. you’re also not allowed to get ID photo’s from anyone but them. Can you say “rip-off”?)

On the upside, I met some kewl individuals. It’s amazing who you may find yourself queuing with and the conversations that may spring from these chance meetings.

I met a primary school teacher and a nurse. They had some interesting views on life, love and everything in-between.

It is a strange phenomenon how one shares hopes and dreams with random strangers at times.

They had some good advice. Care to hear it? (well, read it)

The best piece of advice I got today, is that – I’m not getting any younger. What I regret now, I’ll regret forever. Therefore, I should do what I want to while I still can. I don’t want to regret not doing what I wanted to when it’s all over…

So. What to do then?

I’ve identified, (with the help of my loving lover) what exactly it is I want in the perfect job for me. More or less the following:

• I want to be able to work flexi-hours.
• I want to be able to work in a pair of jeans and my DCs.
• I don’t want to have to report to an asshole boss.
• I wanna have job satisfaction – like I achieved something, or helped someone.
• I want recognition for a job well done.
• I want to receive a market-related salary – enough to be comfortable.
• I wanna be creative in my job.
  
  Yeah – that’s about it.
  
  The trick would now be to match a job to this.
  
  Oh, and I enjoy drawing.

I may be unravelling..

i keep seeing death and destruction in my minds' eye..

my murderous imagination dreams up violent ways for the people i severely dislike to meet their demise.

i'd write some of them down... but, they are disturbing, even to me..

i may be unravelling.

on caring too much

im fed up

im tired of feeling useless and despondent.

im gonna make these asshats eat their headgear and choke on the taste.

i can be the best at this bs job.

enough with the whining. enough with the bitching, moaning and wailing. im getting rid of the daddy’s lil princess attitude. no more complaining.

no hunger. no financial difficulty. no “oh, my life sux so much ass”

il show all of them.

im not stupid. im certainly not lazy.

i will be the best. and they will want me to stay after my contract expires..

but, i have no loyalty in my heart for these pricks with calculators.

im getting the fuck OUT -- asap.

but first, im kicking the living piss out of everyone else. intellectually, of course.

no more ridicule.

in time, theyll be coming to me for advice.

how do i feel today

i want to kill people.

i want to run away and join the circus.

i want to not have to deal with paper files, papercuts and b*tching clients.

i wanna die.

i wanna get out of here.

i wanna not stress anymore.

i wanna be done.

i wanna retire.

i hate my job.

a life wasted

a couple things i learned the hard way while working for pricks with calculators

1. get EVERYTHING in writing.
coz when the shit hits the fan, everyone – your managers, so-called friends and HR, all get selective amnesia and can’t remember any conversations ever taking place.

2. you have NO FRIENDS in the corporate world. coz everyone there is just gonna cover their own ass.

3. your company WILL screw you up the ass and expect you to smile. and keep smiling. they can even state that “being miserable” is grounds for not getting promoted.

4. you are nothing but a number to your company, despite all the bullshit they feed you. you’re a resource, like a pack of post-its, and they will you keep you there at the lowest possible salary if they can get away with it. and they will. coz they’re sneaky bastards.

5. even when something is not your fault, but happens to your detriment, if you DID NOT cover your ass with a document trail, you are FUCT, despite being a shining example of dedication; see point 6 below.

6. They will only remember where you screwed up. never the free overtime hours. when you did extra work. all the happy clients. when you were below budget. when you made extra money for the boss. if you brought in new clients. they will only remember that one time in ’89 you blew the budget by a day. more selective amnesia.

7. there is no work-life balance. its a myth. ditto with “flexible work hours for mothers”. it’s something they put on the HR policy to look pretty. good luck with finding that in practice.

8. the bottom line IS the BOTTOM LINE. the bosses are there to make cash munny.

9. when you are crying in the bathroom by yourself, trying to hide the puffiness, etc, NO ONE will come cheer you up. if anyone talks to you after, its to get the gossip. and spread it. like the fear of gawd has been put in them to do so.

10. this is only the beginning. setting you up for failure, screwing you in the ass, and blaming you for it... can’t wait for next year.

when everything is going wrong

have you ever felt that life is leaving you behind?

because i still have my immaculate teeth of wisdom, i will share some pearls with you –

first deserve. then desire.

on finding magic and light in my life...

i want to tell you of my hopes and dreams... listen close, but give me time..

death’s shroud covers my entirety. i want to expire into nothingness and just get it over with.

darkness seeps into my soul, my bones ache, my head throbs.. happy memories haunt me – they taunt me.

there is no escape.

d34th by numb3r5

here's an update, for anyone who cares [or doesnt]:

Im still working. things are getting busy, as its the end of 2 audits simultaneously.

others are on leave, studying for board. but, not i. the big boss seems to have gone anal. [just when i applied for leave, it seems]. i have but 2 weeks to study for the board exam. this is an exam which costs R2,500 to write.

i spend my weekends driving up and down between client offices, my job office and for classes in johannesburg. i drove about 900km over the past 7 days. i drive more than i study. and im starting to doubt the value of attending classes 350kms away.

my car is due for its 2nd service. this is gonna cost me money i dont have. the car is not even 2 years old. but, i suppose it is to be expected.

i was denied a transfer to the cape, where my lover is. denied by the very people who told me, if i pass the cta exam, they will take me. lying bastards.

one of my bosses spent most of thursday and friday yelling at me and telling me how horrible i am at my job. there i sat in his office, trying to explain my own and 2 other people's *crap* work.

im sorry, this is turning out to be more of a bitching session. but, i truly DO hate my job. i wish i could just quit, but i cant. i have commitments and contracts. im stuck. dont know what to do. im feeling tremendous pressure and im quite busy.. i should be studying, but i work instead -- to get the bosses off my arse.

guess who will be the ones freaking out the loudest when i fail this board exam for lack of studying...

the hypocracy gets to me.

**frustration**