ample opportunity for procrastination

writers

i am in love with mr neil gaiman.

i started reading anansi boys sunday morning. and i couldnt and didnt stop till i got to the end of the story. gripping, wonderfully woven tale.

*my thanks to my eternal lover for supplying this epic experience*

natch, i also loved the Endless, reading about their desires, destinies, delerium and unavoidable demise. and the undeterred downward spiral into utter nothingness we all have to endure at some stage or another. sooner or later...

*loose ends always need tying. go figure.*

as i was saying, before so rudely interrupting myself, when i like the way an author writes, i usually wind up loving everything said author had taken the time to put on paper and have published.

another case in point, mr stephen king.

brilliantly brilliant stories. altho, in my humble opinion, i think his short stories are the best. undeniably. night shift being my personal fave.

--if anyone can find a copy of carrie for me [i read it at some point of my adolescence during high school – yaay, proper libraries!!] please, feel free to forward it to me. id be much appreciative.--

i hate it when i see something in a shop that i reallay like, have the money for, but then not purchase. case in point, carrie. saw it for 20 bucks. didnt buy it. now, naturally and based entirely on my specific brand of luck, i cant find that damned book anywhere. and im not paying more than 70 bucks for that book either. its waaaaayyy too thin.



*im calm*

*you know – nothing beats putting a pen to paper when wanting to record one’s thoughts. i dunno – typing just doesnt have the same sort of... Artistry*

semi-sane seclusion

broken from within

i live in a box.

i mean this both metaphorically and literally, of course. i feel isolated from the world.. im by myself. no true day-to-day friends. and in my strained, yet softly warped mind – i have my padded cage... which, in itself, is a box of sorts.

now. in my box, it seldom occurs that new foreign stimuli are introduced. il give you an example – i seldom listen to new music. which, im starting to find is really a horrible thing. i hardly ever meet any new people. which is terribly sad. and gives me some clues as to why im so bored with my day-to-day life.

*feeling left behind*

music. it can soothe your soul. it shapes your mind. makes you think. designs your life. a lot can be said about a person, based on the affinity that person has for a certain genre of music. im a bit all over the place. but mostly metal-rock-alternative... but i probably know most of the words to most pop songs too... :1

*shh – tell no one*

i need to find some new music. without getting a sensory overload. true nutrition for the soul. melodies for chilling out... lyrics that MEAN something. something intellectual, for goodness sake!

*any ideas?*

inTeR-ACTION

darkness descends

i spent the previous week at a “training session”. it was about computers.

*digression*

what im trying to say is, ive always been intrinsically interested in human behaviour. cause and effect. relationships. ive watched. listened. learned. all that i could.

so, being in a closed off environment with 50 strangers and around 10 instructors, for nigh on 18 hours per day for 5 days – FUN.

i enjoyed the training. but for all the wrong reasons.

the goal was getting more knowledge so the corporates can charge out its minions, nay the peons, at higher rates, based on training provided. instead, the best parts were the interactions with each other. the meals. the getting to know people.

and, seriously, isnt that what life is truly about?

there was much fun and games. late night confessions. early morning grogginess. preening. posing. faking. meeting many representatives. :) as we all know, you never meet the true person when meeting someone -- you meet their representative. you get to know the true person only much later..

i may have mentioned, the best part of my job, is the training. but not the actually training part of it. [coz thats yawn-inducing] its what happens behind the scenes. the afterwards. the interaction.

huzzah for training!

tumultuous TORMENT of the inner circle

all around the mulberry bush..

i dont understand this... i have to be at the office... have to.. no 2 ways about it.. so, here i sit. but i have nothing to DO... waiting for client staff to provide information.. sadly, this counts as chargeable time.. just waiting, waiting, waiting.

on the upside, free coffee, internet and semi-free telephone calls.. the downside? a life wasted.

[we all float down here.. welcome to the abyss..]

ive found that stressing about my job is utterly useless.. becoz, a month from now, a year even, none of this will matter.. its the nature of the beast... these deadlines, the work that needs to be completed, everything: pointless.

stress causes wrinkles, high blood pressure, premature aging and ultimately, death...

if you worry – you die
if you dont worry – you still die

Y WORRY??

i have deadlines. and evil demon-spawn bosses from Hell, breathing down my fragile exposed neck...

do you think i care?

painstakingly perilous disregard for privilege

:D

im too happy to blog..

i find myself more eloquent when horrifically depressed. like ej, i think i am more interesting when i am depressed.. [ive read the blogwar on this subject, and its probably a false assumption, but its how i feel, dammit!]

there is something about having someone you feel completely and insanely comfortable with.. someone who.. has this AURA of happiness about them.. when you get close to this person, you cant help but feel happy.. content.. safe.. loved..

never in my life, not in any previous relationship (friendly or romantic), have i EVER felt this way about anyone... and then there was p@.

:D

just thought id share that i am exquisitely happy today... because on saturday, i see my love.

quizland

Niel wants me to touch his texture.. here goes...

1. What anime is your fave and why?
its a tie: kenshin, vash, alucard and spike-u can all have my babies... :D
the stories they have to tell are so epic and witty and brilliant.. it really carries you away with it..

also love furi kuri.. maybe one day il understand it.. :D

2. Is eternal darkness delicious or is it fugly and bad?
eternal darkness? that depends.. do you fear it? it can be sanctuary, or your own personal house of horrors..

i find it deliciously peaceful..

3. You obviously write. What are you/should you be working on?
*blush* you flatter me.. alas, i write because i need to.. not because i am paid to.. right now im working on getting qualified in a field i hate [finance]..

i should be working on my own column in some wickedly brilliant magazine.. maybe one day.. when im too old and decrepid..

4. Ghosts. Yes or no?
Aye.. there's the holy one.. why not others?

5. How old are you? In centuries, please. (if you are immortal)
strangers to this land perceive me as ancient beyond my years.. inside, im just a girl.. a very unsure insecure little femme.. im a 15yr old trapped in the body of a 23yr old..

*its not as grotesque as it sounds, i assure you*

i turned down immortality - too much pain involved in that exercise.. id rather live (and subsequently perish) in the Now..

huh.. this texture.. it's different.. it's new.. it's niel??

** thanks for including me in your excursion for knowledge!! **

inexplicable connection

when life kicks you in the proverbial nuts

there was no warning.

but, then again, there seldom is with this sort of thing..

*methinks thy posts more stimulating when absolute depression reigns*

on questioning everything in life (and death): - regardless of what curiosity may or may not have done to the kitty – i do it all the time..

i wonder when i will deem myself good enough.

*good enough for what?*

i dont know yet. but il let you know when i find out.

*preposterous*

gazing out of every window..

arcadia gave me a bunch of questions.. in return, i offer a bunch of answers..

1.Three Best films you’ve recently watched
hmmm.. i dont get out much.. V for vendetta - brilliant. loved it. luke's mum kinda stole some of the magic from the tale.. ... ... i saw Cellular on sunday... entertaining, in a brainless sorta way.. and Hellboy last night.. zany.

2. Three favourite songs at the moment
Beer, Empty, Tied my hands.. all by saron gas.

3. Favourite dessert
Lemon meringue... *hmmm*

4. Your favourite two physical attributes a) of yourself b) of a partner
a) ... ... ... i like ... my ... um... er... ... *can i check my mirror and get back to you?*
b) his gorgeous icy blue eyes... *melt* and he has these amazing shoulders and arms... great hugs... enveloping. *sigh*

5. The ultimate unforgiveable act in your book is:
all things are forgivable, coz no one is perfect... disloyalty (ie, backstabbing) takes longer to forget

6. If someone had to dress up as you , what would you give them to wear?
dirty strait jacket.. with a tattered tutu.. and broken fairy wings..

7. Three favourite magazines
beauty magazines are evil.. i am partial to PCF and GEAR and NAG..

8. A newly acquired bad habit
blogging.. im gonna get fired one of these sunny days.. productivity down to minimal levels, capt'n!

9. Dream house, described in a few sentences
beach house. floor-to-ceiling windows. large. Nuff said.

10. You take five people to a deserted island.....who are they? (and does each one have a purpose or not?)
1) my lover - company... to protect and serve?
... ... ... ...
i dont think i need anyone else..

That's me. so, do you think you know me now?

reACHing into thE abyss

romantic relationships..

there are many necessary elements and components that make up a happy and healthy [who decides on this stuff anyway??] relationship.

a solid friendship as a foundation is always good. then, there is mutual trust and respect. add a dash of fun. and a slice of lust. voila! instant romantic relationship.

long distance relationships..

i doubt there’s anything you could teach me about these..

*sigh*

what is the point of staying in a [romantic] relationship, if you see each other twice a year for 2 days at a time? [it didnt start out this way.. maybe times are a-changing.. but things seem more expensive lately..]

there is the goal of eventually, some glorious day in the unknown indefinable future, finally living in the same place. this is an elusive dream.. always diminishing like mist, before actual attainment. its gut-wrenching. its heartache-inducing. its a pain in the.. wallet..

*dammit*

so, why stay together? self-deception? self-delusion? eternal optimism? stubbornness? ...

*cowardice?*

*fear?*

the yearning is terrible and never ceases. the ups and downs are more intense.

i’ve never ached so much in my entire life, just to be touched..

*touch*

dismemberment – fun exercise or great way to lose weight

nothing can bring me down this week. nothing! [do you hear me??]

*she smiles, faintly glowing from within*

what is the source of my irrepressible joygasm, you ask? what does it take to get a morbid tenshi fixated on the realm of ecstasy? what is the true pure and simple cure for extreme depression?

*it is simple, you can see it in her eyes..*

i have started the preparations for the visit.. but, there are still a few things, a few loose ends that need tying.. my lover is coming round for a visit!!!1oneeleventyone!! i havnt seen him since march... and before that, i hadnt seen him since december of last year.. this time, he will be here for a week! so, i have taken off work.. bought some yummies.. am still deciding what im going to wear.. am about to fill my car with gas [price increase in 2 days... 35c].

*she beams*

life is good. and nothing can bring me down...

fractured digression

at the root of all evil, lies boredom.

*dare you to prove me inaccurate*

allow me to tell you more of my hopes and dreams. [where else could i possibly vent, if not here?]

the problem is, unlike [seemingly] most people, i never had a leaning towards any profession in particular during my innocent years... i have grown since then, but i find myself to be equally lost.

*raid the area for the lost and found!*

..dont they call that purgatory..?

i dont know why i feel drawn to the morbid things in life... *hahaahahahaha* *ahem* as i was saying, i am drawn to the death of life... it’s all a rather enticing thought. in all probability, because it is secret, unknown, an enigma. no one really knows what lies beyond. speculate all you want, no one knows for sure.

*why does “enigma” always conjure echoes of “enema”?? shitty accoustics*

much of my time has been consumed with the contemplation of this... natural progression of things. in the end, my observations leave me ... feeling cheated.

the ultimate solution? surely, it’s obvious! SUICIDE! nothing like finding out for one’s self; what lies beyond the dusk of life...

have you met my eternal lover and confidant? uncountable hours we have spent pondering the mysteries of the galaxy... nothing like a kindred spirit to make time melt into forever. leaving one to wonder whether time truly is a linear concept.

leaves my mind feeling raped... but always coming back for more...

final fragments of a fading fantasy..

it's a mad world..

today, i spent another day wishing my life away.. for time to disperse.. for eternity to swallow me up, digest me and allow me to become One with it.. it is my Dream...

*when you win the rat race, you are still a rat*

*basic premise of the rat race: the one who dies with the most toys, wins..*

..but, you'd still be dead.. ??

IT'S FRIDAY, for goodness' sake! but, i feel worn out. without vigor, expression or motivation. listless..

im convinced of this: i am the stolen, and subsequently lost, faerie daughter of the royal faerie kingdom.. the longing that abides within me and consumes me, is of a life i was supposed to have.. a life i was supposed to lead.. the mourning is an echo of my people crying for me, yearning for me to return to them.. lead them..

but i never will, because i have forgotten this history, the path Home.. never have i danced in the wind and bubbled with the brooks.. sung with the birds, or romanced the rivers... but always feeling drawn to nature.. always.. there is this void.. this innate sadness..

there are parallel multiverses, friends. know this. believe it. feel it.

i mean, what would the alternataive be? a world without magic??

*bah!*

buy this gal a drink!!

*de-stress*

maKING mincemeat OF meloDRAMA

tests and exams..

who's hot idea were they anyway? and what purpose do they serve realistically? i think i may have lost / misplaced the art of studying.. which is very bad.. coz, i too need to juggle various activities - none of which i enjoy over-much.. .. .. or at all, for that matter...

average day: i roll outa bed at 7ish.. go to work... procrastinate for about 8 hours - pretending to "work".. drive home at around 5ish. eat / or / vegetate / or / *HA!* study / or read.. go to sleep, rinse and repeat.

i get tired just thinking about the futility of it all... working and *studying* leaves me freaked and frazzled..

tell me about your days.. i mean, am i the only one dying one day at a time??